A Single Gal's Advice

It's been The Kat Show for a couple of days around here -- apparently one side affect of my profound Seasonal Affect Disorder is the inability to be funny. I have a few dating theories and thoughts about Mars & Venus I'd like to test out, but I don't think right now is the appropriate time. So for now, hot off the dating scene, you get some advice from a tried and true single gal.

1) Call when you say you're going to call. If you say "I'll call you on Sunday," that's what I thnk is happening. I know that in your guybrain, that means "Eh, I"ll call you sooner or later, whenever I'm thinking about it," but in my girlbrain, it means I'm scheduled into your PDA. If you don't want to call me, don't say you're going to call. Once you set expectations, I start to wonder why those expectations aren't being met. So do us all a favor, and be accountable.

As somebody wise once wrote:

"Calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you're building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you aint never gonna have a house baby. And it's cold outside."

1a) If we've had sex, by all means, you need to call me within the next 24 hours, or you are a certifiable douchebag, and I'll probably never speak to you (let alone sleep with you) again. If I DO have such little self-respect to grace you with the pleasure of my company after such douchebaggery, then frankly, I deserve to be treated a little bit like crap. Men -- a quality woman won't even respond to this type of behavior. If you're looking at vetting out a possible long-term relationship, you've done so right there.

Alas, we teach others how to treat us.

2) Pick the restaurant. Better yet, pick a couple and let me choose... it makes me feel like I'm getting to go somewhere of my choosing, but it prevents me from having to do the mental rundown and stress about where YOU'D like to go. Ideally, have this picked out before you even pick up the phone to call (and yes, I said call -- none of that texting garbage -- we covered that a few days ago). Nobody likes the awkward "Uh, I dunno, where od you want to go?" If I can offer you one word of advice, it's to talk to a female friend or relative approximately your age, and ask her for THREE suggestions of good first date spots for dinner/ drinks. Keep those in your arsenal. Shit, put them on speed dial. You'll look like a rock star every time you need a reservation, and with that trifecta of hot spots in your palm, you'll always have a good suggestion for a first date.

3) Open the door, take her coat, pay the bill. Sigh. I don't really care whether or not a guy opens doors for me, but what I HATE is when the guy doesn't GET to the door fast enough to open it for me, but then does that "chivalric guy fumble," where he tries to get to the door before me. Either I stand there in front of the door, not opening it and looking like a dumbass, or I fling it open in such a way that your manhood is compromised and you think "damn, she won't even let me open the door." Be one step ahead. Help me take my coat off and on -- it's sweet. And a firm hand on the middle / lower back as you let me walk ahead of you while the hostess seats us... well, that just sends chills down my spine.

And the bill comes. Fellas, this one just isn't up for discussion. It's the first date. PAY. Do not let me. I'll offer, and if you let me, I'll split it with you without hesitation, but on the first date, or th first FEW dates... PAY THE BILL. Trust me, this will always make you look good. After several dates, she'll probably start reciprocating or splitting it with you (or at least, I will, and most of my girlfriends will as well). If she doens't... then it's up to you how to proceed. Either you decide she's a golddigger and dump her, or you talk about it, or you happily keep picking up the check knowing that she's the best investment you've ever made.

4) Let me help you too. I think it's awesome that there are men in my life who will clean my gutters, mow the lawn, insulate my attic, and hang the curtains if necessary. Truthfully, I can do most of that stuff myself, I'd just rather not. That said, I take great pride and joy in the girlie aspects of my life (clothing, cooking, home decor, entertaining), and as the woman in your life, I want to help you with that stuff. One of the most wonderful things a past boyfriend once asked me to do was to help him grocery shop in such a way that he could make healthy food at home. YES! Just like you like to show love by doing things for me, I like to show love (and feel very appreciated!) when you let me share my knowledge and abilities as well.

5) Tell me I'm pretty. Or beautiful. Sometimes I want to be told I'm hot, sexy, incredible... but nothing warms my heart like the word pretty. And nothing makes me feel more confident around you than knowing you are happy to have me on your arm. That confidence, in turn, makes me a lot more fun to be around, and a lot less crazy when we're not together.

That's all I've got for tonight -- The Office is on, and it's hard to write about romance with a 46" Michael Scott holding up a blue satin eye pillow on pause on my TiVo.

Check back later this week for thoughts on my Sexistential Crisis, Sexpectations, and The Singlehood Bell Curve.

Sugar and spice,

~Jessica

How Is She NOT Crazy?

As I sit here in yet another airport, during yet another week on the road, I find that I'm experiencing an irritation that may very well make me crazy. Its one of those irritating, grating things that starts in the middle of your stomach with a clenching and an unscratchable itch. Its progresses to the point where you have to flex and unflex various parts of your body in hopes of releasing the tension that is building in your entire being. Deep breaths, lean your head back, close your eyes, clench, unclench, clench, unclench. My breathing is getting shallower, I'm starting to hit what feels like a breaking point...I might whack my own head against the trash can next to me or I may just scream at the guy to my left.

Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, sluuuurp, smack, chomp. His gum chewing is so loud and so wet and so pervasive (flex and unflex fingers, didn't help) that I can't escape it. I moved to the only other free seat, about 5 seats away. Still hear it. Chomp, chomp, chomp, spit sloshing, chomp. ARG.

"The housing crisis really seems to be causing problems." (Genius at work)

"Really, $15 for checking my bag. I fly your airline all the time, this is ridiculous!" (Ahem, close your mouth, you don't fly it all the time, if you did you'd be elite and you wouldn't have to pay, shut up)

"Sweetie, don't worry about forgetting your jacket, we'll just buy another when we land." (Really but you can't afford $15 to check your bag?)

"Chomp, slurp, smack, swallow, chomp, chomp, chomp!"

This woman next to him seems completely oblivious to the fact that she's sitting next to the world's loudest gum-chewing IDIOT ass.

How is she NOT crazy? Is she numb? Is she deaf?

Can I say something like "Shut the fuck up"?

I wish you could see him. Let me paint the picture if I can.

He's sitting stretching all 5'6" of himself as long as he can, hands clasped behind his balding noggin, old school glasses a la Chevy Chase in Vacation, bushy beard and mustache (that I'm hoping his gum gets stuck in), navy suit with a tie on, tie falling sadly to the side of his enormous belly, feet stretched long out in front (blocking the way for anyone who might want to pass), dress pants far too short, bad loafers, argyle socks.

He makes me want to kill myself to get out of my misery. And yet the woman sitting next to him stays there. Is likely his mate...

I guess there is someone for everyone in this world.

CHOMP, CHOMP ARGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Clench clench clench...

Crazy In Love

Although I'm really not a fan of Beyonce - I think she's onto something here. While out for a couple of tasty and refreshing adult beverages with a friend of mine the other day we started to explore the phenomenon of "Cool Chick I'm Dating -> 'I Love You' -> Nutjob Girlfriend"

Apparently, this sort of about-face is not an uncommon occurrence which is a little scary and could definitely be why many intelligent, crazy chick-fearing guys don't say it for a long while into a relationship.

So, I put on my crazy hat and started to noodle on this. Why in the world would girls get crazier after hearing a declaration like that? It truly goes against my theory: insecurity is the root of all crazy.

Is it because they were undercover flat-out crazies acting like normal chicks until they "snagged" a dude and then felt like they could show their true colors?

Is it because they are now in a relationship that is more serious than they've anticipated so they've moved into the oh-so-cowardly out of "I'll treat him like shit til he dumps me to avoid guilt and second-guessing"?

As you can see, I came up with an option or two but I'm still just not feeling like we've gotten to the root of this evil. So I'm requesting an email or two (or a dozen for proof by numbers) from someone who's dated the mighty morphing crazy girl -- or better yet, someone who's been her. (I will protect the identities of both the innocent and the evil)

Help me out here...thoughts from the peanut gallery?

Married To It.

Dear Chicks,

I was sitting at the bar with my buddy, who happens to be happily married. I think his lady might be a bit looney. Please let me know if I am on target or off-base.

Okay so here is an example:

"Buddy" wants to go out to "Drink" in Mpls with some buddies for a night on the town. His old lady does not want him to go because all of the young girls will be hanging all over him asking for free drinks and more. Now let me clue you in....my buddy while a good guy is 35 yrs old about 5'10", 250# and nothing about him says Sugar Daddy. And to top it off, he loves his wife and would not cheat. I am thinking that perhaps she was one of these young girls one time and used the "older" guys for drinks and more.

Has Buddy married a crazy?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear "Buddy,"

I'm not sure if I can answer this question because frankly? I'm so dumbfounded by why anybody would willingly go to DRINK that I can't quite focus.

Oh, wait -- you're men. And there's young, scantily clad flesh there to look at.

Got it. Right-o, then.

Here's the bottom line -- Buddy isn't in a healthy marriage. And it's really a chicken or egg question as to whether or not she's a nutter, or he's a douchebag, or both. It could go either way, and I'd need more intricate knowledge of the relationship in order to answer appropriately -- but the bottom line? Something's gotta give, and something's gotta change.

Scenario #1: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years. He's cheated on her in the past, or at the very least, has an eye that wanders just short of the point of cheating. That's bound to make any woman feel insecure, and usually is indicative of a larger, more serious issue.

Scenario #2: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years, but life and children and jobs and other stressors have made their relationship less smokin' and more chokin'. She's in sweatpants (aka "I give up" pants), all day, nagging at him, and he's constantly rolling his eyes and fleeing to the basement to play XBOX and drink beer while she's forced to take care of the responsibilities. They are living like roommates and not lovers and have stopped having sex. He can't figure out how to put his @#$% socks in the hamper or dishes in the dishwasher, and she's usually drunk by 8 PM, asleep on her side of the bed, in a long-sleeved t-shirt and flannel pants.

Scenario #3: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years. She's perhaps a bit younger than he is, and she used to be quite the hot ticket -- she was out on the town all the time whne they were younger, which is how she snagged Buddy in the first place. Buddy absolutely adores her, and has never given her any reason to doubt him. She is high maintenance, dramatic, goes out with her girlfriends frequently, is controlling in the bedroom in terms of when, where, and what, and basically, has him on a short leash. He tries to flee to have some fun, and she flips (nevermind that Buddy had to go to Uptown to pick up her and her trashed friends at Drink last weekend).

Scenario #4: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years. They have a happy relationship. They are still having plenty of sex and fun together -- she has no reason not to trust him. Wifey is a nutter, insecure, harpy, and doesn't trust Buddy at all. In a few months, she'll hack into his email account, facebook, myspace and every other possible internet account he has. When he's asleep, she'll go through the call log and text messages on his cell, just to see if anything is suspicious. Finally, she'll find something remotely "off," confront him, and he'll flip out at her stalkerish behavior. She'll insist that if he doesn't have anything to hide, he shouldn't care that she went through his stuff. He'll start hiding more, because he's afraid that at the first sign of A WOMAN SHE'S NEVER MET having any contact with him whatsoever, she'll spontaneously combust.

And so it goes.

Sigh.

People, do you really want to be in an insecure relationship?? In case it's taken you more than a nanosecond to answer that question, let me step in: NO, you don't. I can tell you that from experience, because I've been there. And in the chicken-and-egg scenario, let me make it perfectly clear that confident, stable, sane women don't intensely suspect their man unless they are given a reason to -- and if you've REALLY done nothing suspect, you're probably with a nutter. Or, at least, you're with somebody you don't wanna be with.

My ex-boyfriend used to LOVE IT when guys would hit on me out on the town. Why? Because he knew, with 100% certainty, that I would never cheat on him; that I was fully faithful (it is important to note here that this is an EX boyfriend, so my fidelity was less about how awesome he was (ahem, assjacket), and more about the fact that I'm just not the cheating type -- regardless, he knew he could trust me).

I didn't love it quite as much when women hit on him, namely because I felt like he was always LOOKING to be hit on; seeking out attention from women, like I wasn't enough -- not pretty enough, not interesting enough, and not worthy enough of his adoration -- because he indirectly told me so, all the time, with his actions (inactions?).

I'd never felt that level of insecurity with a man (or any aspect of my life, for that matter) before, and I've never felt it since -- case in point, it wasn't a healthy relationship.

But I do know what a healthy relationship looks like -- I know that it's about being able to be your own people while coming together to enhance each others lives. I know it's about sometimes going your separate ways on a Friday night, knowing that you're coming home to each other. I know that it's about being with somebody who helps you to be the very best version of yourself, and you help them do the same.

The next guy I dated? I LOVED it when other girls flirted with him -- loved it when my friends and everybody else commented on how awesome he was. Love love loved it. I knew he was awesome, and I wanted everybody else to realize it too. He never once gave me a reason to doubt him, and I never did. In my heart of hearts, I knew my ex wasn't groovin' on me the way I needed to be grooved. I knew he had one foot out the door... and women... we usually KNOW.

So tell Buddy to sit down Wifey. Tell her how much he loves her. Tell her that just like she needs nights with the girls, he needs nights with the guys. That when he's out with the guys, there's nothing dirty going on... that he can't wait to come home and be with her.

It will go far... maybe not far enough to result in fishnets and a french maid costume, but certainly far enough to get her off his back so he can belly up to the bar with the boys, nag-free.

Sugar and Spice,
~Jess

Merry Chickmas and Happy Hanchickuh

I'm not a big fan of statistics because 1) I constantly forget the exact numbers b) I don't trust numbers that can be manipulated to prove a point and iii) 50% of statistics are made up (tee hee) but I heard a comment (maybe a stat) once that went something like this:

50% of all single women instigate relationships in late November and end them in mid February.

(I made up the 50% but I think it was something that made us look more desperate than that)

But it totally made sense to me and I couldn't believe I'd never come up with that little scheme myself. Presents, a date to parties, someone to love me in my post-holiday muffin top, hang tight through Blue Monday, stick it out to Valentines Day and ouila! The perfect Holiday Dating Coup.

But then I thought about it a bit more and realized that I could never pull that off for a few reasons:
1) I can't pretend to like anything I don't - I simply don't know how
2) I like being alone better than being with most people
3) Karmically, I'd meet the man of my dreams while in the middle of said coup (that shit just happens to me)

But I thought it might be fun to list the ways that good guys can avoid getting scooped up as the poor sucker to some girls insecurity during the holidays.

*If you meet her online and her profile states "Looking for that special someone to share life's turkey dinners and boxes of chocolates" Buyer Beware

*If your first date consists of attending a couple's Baby Jesus Shower complete with shower games and lacking booze (even some tasty 'nog), you can bet you're her HoliSchmuck. No one would do that to someone they liked.

*...I can't concentrate, I'm too busy watching MSNBC - I can't stop. Its going to be a long day. Go Vote! And then come back and help me with this...

*Uhhh...huuuuhhhhh. I want to say something about having the full collection of 25 years of Santabears but I just keep on seeing Sarah Palin and thinking she's Tina Fey.

Get out the vote,
-kat

We Can't Do This Alone

As much as I like to think that I've got plenty of material to write an epic novel about chicks crazy antics or guys bringing the crazy out of chicks or guys wondering how to deal with girls in general, I don't. And this isn't about me. This is about you. You nearly 600 people who have been reading our bloggity blog. So tomorrow before or after you "Get Out the Vote" you should also "Get Out the Crazy" and shoot us an email. chicksonchicks@gmail.com

Go Text Yourself

I had dinner last night with a few girlfriends -- all of us single and dating, save for one married gal -- and a major topic that came up over dinner is that of text messaging and it's appropriateness in the dating world.

Now, certainly once a friendship or relationship is established, things don't have to be as formal -- but I am of the mindset that asking a girl out -- or breaking a date, for that matter -- via text message is the cellular version of "winking" on match.com -- ie, gutless, spineless, and lazy.

Let me explain to you the way that girlbrain works in this situation -- most of us (I refuse to categorically classify "ALL WOMEN" as like this, because certainly all are not), make PLANS. On Wednesday, we usually want to know what we're doing on Friday and Saturday night. MOST of us would like to have a date with YOU, or at least the "you du jour," but we also don't want to be left hangin' without plans. Which means -- by the time Wednesday night rolls around, if I don't have a date, you can bet that I'm making some plans with friends for the weekend, OR I'm intentionally making plans to stay in and relax and get some sleep in an effort to have a productive Saturday and/or Sunday.

What does this mean? It means that you should probably do the askin' on Tuesday or Wednesday for a weekend date -- again, with the caveat -- in the beginning.

And preferrably? Don't TEXT to ask a girl out. Pick up the phone, ask like a gentleman, and then YOU do the planning.

(At least in the beginning).

Don't be askin' me where I want to eat or what I want to do, unless you are presenting me with a few options from which to choose -- that's actually awesome, because if you suggest something I loathe, I can simply state a preference for the other option.

Of the two best dates I've had in the last year, one made all the plans and told me where to be and when, and the other gave me a few options and then picked me up (coincidentally, both dates took place at the Bryant Lake Bowl in Uptown, Minneapolis, which I highly recommend for a 1st or 2nd date).

Not all women will like this, but I LOVE it, for reasons mentioned in previous posts.

After a few dates, certainly it's fine to text "hey, wanna grab a movie" Or "hey, can we do tomorrow night instead of tonight?" A well-placed "hey, I'm running late, be there in 15!" is MORE than acceptable, because it shows that you are aware that you're not on time... And certainly, random texts throughout the day, just to let the girl know you're thinking about her, are always welcome and might even score you some brownie points. :-)

But I'm about as low maintenance as they come, and so are my friends, and we all expressed frustration with the texting-of-plans-scenario.

There is a time and a place for texting, but it shouldn't take 100% of the place of a phone call -- or even an email -- or face to face interaction.

Now, when it comes to BREAKING plans, this is a huge no-no. I mean, it's one thing to text the instant you find out that you have to break a date (to give her a chance to make other plans), and then follow up with a phone call later, but to break a date via text with no follow-up whatsoever? I want to SMACK the woman that grants you a second date. Because frankly, that's just rude -- and the more women enable that kind of behavior, the more acceptable it becomes. Frankly, I think we've enabled it a little too much, which is where the whole problem comes from.

This might all sound awfully naggy and nit-picky, but it really isn't -- even the most down to earth woman wants to feel PURSUED every once in a while, like you're workin' for it just a little bit.

After all, we're off waxing our pink parts, applying makeup, getting nails done, shaving our legs, picking out cute outfits and wearing matching lingerie all in the HOPES that you're not a douchebag and we have a reason to make it all worthwhile -- and the way to ensure that we'll let you see the fruits of our labor is to take part in the chase.

WORK for it, guys. Make some effort, put it out there, and I guarantee you'll be rewarded.

Sugar and spice,
~Jess