Dear Tony@Match.com

What the *uck with Match profiles?!? I've experimented a lot with mine in the past. One version hooked Jess (we won't say which one), but I continue to tweak. So here is my rant:

My first Match profile did not list my income, said I had red hair, featured a detailed, funny and charming "about me" section and contained several photos of me being manly, funny and pensive. No, none featured the famous "me with my shirt off", "me taking my own picture in the mirror" or "me with incredibly hot chick who I want you to think slept with me" photos. You've seen them, and yes, there are female versions including "me with adorable child who is not my own", "me with my family because I'm a good girl not the dirty whore you hope I am" and "me with good looking guy with whom I was a total dirty whore along with my sorority sister that one night in Cabo that I'll never re-create with you." But I digress. The net result, NO viable hits. So I began to tweak....

First I pared down the profile to a couple brief paragraphs that said nothing other than that I could complete a sentence and I removed the fact that I work in IT and instead just said "health care". My hair color changed to light brown. I also removed all photos but one and made fun of the fact in my profile to add at least some element of humor. The hits started to come in, but no real commitments to meet, just that I sounded "like a nice guy". I've heard that for years and learned it is code for "no, I won't sleep with you but I will drink enough to tell you about that night in Cabo on Spring break." So I tweaked some more.

I added my income. I went from "about average" to "Athletic and toned" (I was working with a personal trainer so I really could back up that change). I mentioned that I was taking cooking classes. And most recently, I added pictures of my dogs, the male equivalent of posting pics of you with an adorable child. The views increased a bunch. And since "display profiles with pictures of dogs" or "search for word 'cooking classes'" are not options in the Match search window, I'm guessing which new element had me popping up on the searches. Just to prove my point, I never post a good pic of myself, just crappy pics taken with my Mac's camera. I'm a good looking guy when I put in the effort, I just don't know how to capture my hotness in digital form. Jess has volunteered to help me take some better pics but just like a typical woman hasn't followed up, hiding behind some lame-ass excuse that she broke her elbow. I had a dollar for every time a woman texted me that excuse to break our second date I could super-size all of my meals at the golden arches. I'm digressing a bit, must resist the urge to be bitter...

So what about the ladies' profiles? They all say the same thing (except Jess's!) You all really love your close circle of girlfriends and that no guy will ever come between you and them (unless you're really hot and in Cabo when they come for girl's weekend). You all read "Eat, Pray Love", "The Secret" and "Kite Runner". You are all "as comfortable in heels and a little black dress as you are in sweats and a baseball cap". You love to travel, eat sushi and you have no interest in redheads who work in IT. Do you have any clue how hard it is to write you an introductory note that says something beyond "your pics are hot, I'd like to buy you a beer in hopes I get you drunk enough that we make out?" Give me something to build on so I can at least sound like I want something more meaningful than a quickie in the men's room at Chino with you! But if you're up for that, just let me know when to meet you there.....

So what have I learned from Match so far? That it sucks as much as trolling the bars. Few if any women will go beyond sending an introductory wink. They seem to expect, like they do in the bars, that we make the first move. I don't wink. I will find something in their profile as a basis to start out an email thread, even if it is "yes, I am writing to you because you look hot, but at least I'm being honest about it." Of the 50 emails I've sent in the past 9 months, 8 have resulted in actual dates. 4 of those made it to second dates and 1 resulted in a really cool friend. That alone has made it worth it. I'm still on Match, still tweaking the profile and still hoping that I can just keep checking my email waiting for Ms Right to pop in to my Inbox.
(Names have been changed to protect the innocent...but Troy, we're talking to you)

Thanks for your interest in my online dating profile! I'm sort of flattered by your interest as your profile is witty and well written. That said I'm not sold. (Or at least that's what I would imagine a young lass would say after getting your witty introductory email.)

Here's why:

*The photo is bland. What's with the eggshell walls and wan expression? You're 6'2"??? Hot! Nicely built! Rock it, brother. Go get a photo with a short girl friend and we've just solved half your problems. Oh and smile in that photo.

*The mammals...darling, yes. But, well, how do we say this nicely? When there are more photos of the doggies than the man, that's just a little odd. Also, if the woman's afraid that one ill-fated seat on your sofa will snuff out your beloved pooch, its time to get a bigger dog. Can't handle a real dog? Can't handle a real woman...

Our final thought on this matter as we don't want you to get a doggie complex is this: What would you think if Kat posted more photos of her two cats on her match profile than she did of herself?

But, in reading your email to The Chicks...we're intrigued. Here's what turned the tides: Crikey you're funny.