Counterpoint: Don't Tell Me You Love Me -- Show Me.

I know that when we all think of The Grand Gesture, we're met with various Hollywood images that have been imprinted in our brains over the years -- since adolescence, we've thought about Lloyd Dobler holding up the In Your Eyes boombox; Richard Gere in his white limo, posing as the White Knight that "rescues" Julia Roberts*, or most recently, Mr. Big hopping a flight to Paris to rescue Carrie from a life with that Russian assclown artist.

It typically goes like this:

Step 1: Introduce male and female leads

Step 2: Outline problem that needs solving (usually, singledom coupled with a sad state of affairs, be it hookerdom, nerddom, or a sub-par relationship)
Step 3: "Meet Cute"
Step 4: Fallout
Step 5: The Grand Gesture
Step 6: Happily Ever After

The Grand Gesture has been around for AGES -- dating all the way back to Shakespeare, or some would argue the crucifixion**. A quick consult to my Handbook of Literature talks about The Grand Style, "a concept traceable back as far as classical antiquity . . . involving a host of lofty elements: nobility of character, sublimity of conception, dignified simplicity or severity of utterance, and grandeur of scope***."

My oh my... how this concept has changed over the years! Because these days? Rarely is it about "nobility of character" or "sublimity of conception," but more like this:

"WOW -- I just woke up from whatever dreamworld I was living in and realized that (Vivian Ward, Diane Court, Carrie Bradshaw) is pretty frickin' awesome -- and PROBABLY the best thing that will ever happen to me. I also realized that when I (called her a hooker in public, ditched her to marry a stick figure with no soul after jerking her around for four years), I was a MAJOR douchebag, yet I don't have the balls to simply admit I was wrong and TALK about it, so I think I'll (show up in a limo, get out the boombox****, fly to Paris), and knock her socks off and win her back! BRILLIANT."

Guys, here's the deal - if you don't act like an ass, The Grand Gesture isn't necessary. Sure, like any girl, I like flowers and romance and the little things you do to make me know I'm special to you; the things that set me apart from A Girl Friend as opposed to a girlfriend. I love the picnic in the park with wine and the iPod, not because it's SOOOOO ROMANTIC, but because it tells me that you took the time to think of something special, albeit simple, where we're spending time alone, talking, with no distractions. I don't need you to make it grand with a string quartet and and catered food... that's not what hooks most women. Similarly, I don't need a dozen roses on Valentine's Day to make up for the 20 times you've fallen short in our relationship -- nothing makes up for the idea of being there, patiently and consistently, even when it's not convenient. As somebody very wise once told me, "When both people in a relationship put the other person first, everybody's needs get met." To that end -- it's not the grand gestures or the endless "I love you's" that make me sure of my place in your heart (and secures yours in mine), but the simple act of BEING there, and being there in the right way, time and time again.

I'd much rather you hold my hair when I've got the flu, bring me coffee at midnight when I've been working since dawn with no end in sight, and follow with a $4 bouquet of flowers from Super America than some huge, overblown, cliche act.

We don't need diamonds*****, we need dependability.

But most women (ahem, yes, myself included) have fallen sucker to The Grand Gesture, assuming that (he bought me a dog, he flew me to Italy, he punched out my ex-boyfriend) equates love. And while it certainly indicates a CERTAIN level of commitment on a man's part, I think it's more like a Get Out of Jail Free card for the 1,000,000 times that man has been lazy in the relationship.

Of course, when we turn the tables on The Grand Gesture, rarely does it work this well: men see a female grand gesture as slightly crazy. Women, I encourage you not to do this. When a guy is done, he's DONE... and no amount of begging, pleading, or grandiosity will change his mind. What WILL change his mind? If anything, it's time alone in his own head (and bed), after which it dawns on him, "oh... I goofed." And chances are, at that point, you'll be on the recieving end of a Grand Gesture of his. But rarely does a woman show up on her trusty steed (write 18 pages letters******, hire a minstrel to play at a romantic dinner in the park, throw rocks at his window in the middle of the night), and whisk the man away to live happily ever after. Noooo... usually that stuff ends up with a restraining order and, well, being written about on this blog. What we women might think of as Grand and Romantic is usually just enterpreted as "psycho," and happy hour mockery with the guys ensues.

Double-standard? You betcha. TRUE? Would I lie to you?

But like Kat said -- it's not Hollywood. There are very few "Meet Cute" scenarios these days, unless you count Match.com and 8 Minute Dating as supercute ways to meet a mate. Similarly, we're not in Fair Verona and you are not the Romeo to my Juliet*******

This brings me back to Kat's discussion of When Harry Met Sally. Did Harry NEED the grand gesture? No. He didn't. Because for decades, through thick and thin, he showed Sally that he was her guy. He did the time; he showed up for her tears and her cramps. He loved her, unconditionally, through sweatpants and ponytails, even though the definition of that love changed over time. And the main theme of the movie, that I love so much?

"When you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right away."

Sugar and spice,
~Jess


*I'm not sure how Vivian Ward got this gig -- just happens to be a hooker on Wilshire that gets picked up by a multi-millionare, and then he's such an assclown that SHE walks? And HE begs HER to come back? Clearly I'm in the wrong line of work. ALTHOUGH, you can only hear that Richard Gere / gerbil story so many times before you start wondering if it's true...
**If anybody out there has any stories about crazy chicks dying on a cross to profess their unrequired and unconditional love, I want it. NOW.
***Something tells me that back in classic times, dude was working a little harder at grandiosity than just blaring music below the fair maiden's window, thus waking up the entire neighborhood (Say nothing of her dad. Mine would be pissed. You couldn't even CALL after 10).
****I just realized that Lloyd Dobler is possibly the one exception to this "rule," because in Say Anything, it's Diane that acts like kind of an assclown and dumps HIM, giving him a PEN as a parting gift. WTG, Diana.
*****That said, a well timed 1 carat princess cut solitaire in white gold is always a nice touch. When the timing is right, of course.
******I mean really -- didn't we all learn from Ross and Rachael on Friends that the 18-pager is NEVER a good idea?
*******If you want to get technical, Romeo and Juliet were NOT, actually, a depiction of true love -- even though they downed poison and defied their families wishes. In the beginning of the play, Romeo is in love with another women -- he's fickle -- and the darkest interpretations of this work define it as a COMEDY. How's THAT for depressing?

Unrealistic Expectations of Love

Please note that due to a complete and utter lack of effort on your part, dear readers, I've resorted to recycling posts from my other blog that I have with my oh-so-brilliant friends. One posted a link to a story that claims that people who watch Romantic Comedies in turn have unrealistic expectations of relationships and lack communication skills...We then opened season on the hypothesis and this was my response:

Okay, so first off, I'll admit I've likely seen EVERY romantic comedy that has hit mainstream audiences in the past 10 years. I'm not proud of it, but in a way, I may be a pathetic expert on this topic.

Guess what? I'm so bad that I not only suffered through an entire novel (I grate my teeth to even call it that) comprised of 700 some pages of torturous writing - so committed was I to finish that book that I put myself through physical pain. Then do you know what I did? I watched the fucking movie in hopes that it would redeem the story and I would FOR ONCE be able to spew forth the words: The movie was better than the book!

To my, and Hilary Swank's, disgrace - I did not speak those seven words. I sighed and chalked up 2 more hours of my life wasted on "PS I Love You". I kid you not, even Denny from Grey's Anatomy couldn't save this horrific flick.

But that sad experience aside, I love me some chick flick. Do I especially love them during break ups? Hell yes! Do I own many on DVD and rewatch Hitch and French Kiss on a regular basis? You bet! But in my esteemed opinion, there really is one main Romantic Comedy by which to benchmark all others. This film is the be-all, end-all of Rom-Coms, if you will. And I set forth the example of "When Harry Met Sally".

This movie and all others within the genre follow the same general composition and the inevitable and CONSTANT ending - The Grand Gesture.

What is with that? Why can a movie NOT end with The Grand Gesture? In my life this is the only thing that I think may have influenced my relationships. I mean, wasn't every relationship supposed to have its ups and downs always resolved by one member of the relationship providing The Grand Gesture and solving EVERYTHING?

Riiiiight....

No, I totally thought so! I swear! I always thought that after every scuffle, every fight, one of the many exes would race through the barren woods on a snowy winter day, screaming my name, risking twig and limb, only to come back to me standing on the side of a cliff with my hair blowing in the wind, tears steaming down my face and he would arrive, bloodied and breathless and proclaim his undying love. He would tell me everything would be all right, that as long as we had love, we could endure anything together.

Fuck me. Right. But really, I even picked fights in hopes of the grand gesture. God my 20s were awesome!

That said, what about parental influence? Did this study even look at what sorts of homes these people were raised in? In a society where more homes than ever before are headed up by a single parent, isn't it only natural that children would lack an understanding about communication between life partners? That they would lean on movies about relationships in order to gain better understanding about them? I think more than anything else, any delusions or visions I had about the way things "were supposed to be" in my relationships came from my parents and they way they interacted with each other. And that one time my dad raced through the forest to my mom standing on the white cliffs of Dover. Or something.

And I think that people in their 20's - romantic comedy viewers or not - spend much of their time trying to learn how to navigate relationships. What to say, what not to say, how to say it, when to say it, and we ALL crash and burn at some points. And this isn't just with significant others, it happens at work, with friends, with family. Your 20s are a huge time when you learn how best to work your way through relationships of all sorts as you're no longer protected by the umbrella of school or friends or parents. Its you, 20-something, versus the world.

Which I suppose ropes back in someways to the lessons we've brought forth to you, friends thus far:

Date people your own age - or date cougars as they're pretty cool too.

Don't date the crazy, don't be the crazy - and if you're measuring your relationship against that of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle - We may have a problem.

Tit for Tat

Dear Chicks,

I'm your average red-blooded male -- 36 years old, and I have a girlfriend I'm crazy about and VERY attracted to. The problem (you won't believe me, but here goes)? She wants sex ALL the time. And believe me, more often than not, I'm more than willing to oblige -- but sometimes, I just don't want to have sex. And she takes that verrrrrry personally. And then we get into an argument, or she starts crying, or something like that. I don't know how to make her understand that sometimes, I'm just not in the mood... it's been a long day, I have an early morning, etc. etc. Plus, sometimes when she pursues me so much, I feel a bit emasculated, like, "hey, I'm the guy, let me initiate." What do I do? She's crazy, right? HELP!

Signed,
RBM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since Kat and I are preparing for a girls weekend away in the north woods, I thought I'd leave you lovelies with something to ponder whilst we are away -- namely, YOUR wood.

AKA, why does this idiot not want to get laid?

Ha. I kid, I kid. But, RBM (is that code for Ridiculous Bonor Malfunction?), believe me when I say that this is an issue I'm ALL TOO FAMILIAR with, not only because of my own experiences, but that of most women in my social circle. And here's why:

Personally, I think it's mother nature's cruelest joke that just when women are ramping up, the men are slowing down -- from a sexual perspective (say that ten times fast). It's common knowledge that women hit their sexual peak in their early 30s, and men? You peak at like, 18. You spend the next decade trying to nail anything in a skirt, while most of us focus on being a moving target, and then when we're primed and ready to go, you kinda sorta can't be bothered.

Le Sigh.

Let me tell you what happens to a woman at 30 --

For one thing, biology is SCREAMING at us to have babies. So even if we're not necessarily terribly interested in having kids, our ovaries don't agree. Thus, the hormones that make us... how shall we say (um, kat would say "horny" here, but since I'm a delicate little flower*, I prefer to use a different word), amorous.

All the frickin' time.

ALSO, at the same time, we're past that 20-something fear of "oh my god, what if I get pregnant?!" and have moved on a bit into the "oh my god, what if I NEVER get pregnant" phase of life -- no no, I don't mean we're all sitting around neurotically waxing*** on fertility, I just mean that instead of fearing pregnancy, it's more like "Well, I've got my shit straight, good job, enough money, responsible, weeded out the assclowns, I'm sexually confident, and I feel pretty good about myself -- if I want sex, God damnit, I'm going to go out and FIND it, pregnancy be damned!"

And if you aren't interested? I'll find somebody who is.

So in this sense, the roles are a bit reversed. AND there are the hormones.

Men, never underestimate the power of the hormones. You think PMS is a joke, or a scapegoat -- and sometimes it is -- but hormones are very real, and at times, very frustrating.

It's the female equivalent of you sprouting wood during the swimming semester of 7th grade gym class. Uncontrollable, uncomfortable, and leading to situations we didn't intend.

(ie, sniffling, sniveling, semi-drunk girl brain crying about why she must be so fat and ugly that her boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with her).

And then there's the other piece... ahhh, yes. Emasculation. My very favorite topic.

I hear ALL the time that men LOVE IT when we initiate sex. Um, okay, who are these men and where can I find them? Because for the past few years, it's been MY experience that while they might love it some of the time, they also don't really love it. Because, like most red-blooded males, they like to do the chasing. And when they can't chase, they get bored. Or worse, they are afraid the women can outrun them (outearn them, outperform them, outwhatever them), and just sort of shrink off into the corner. Guys, RELAX. Your woman taking the lead in the boudior is NOT code for "I don't value your manhood and I want to be in control," it simply means "I'm confident enough in our relationship -- and in myself -- that I can tell you when I want it, how I want it, and where I want it." DANCE, SUCKA!

(teehee).

Let me set the scene for you here:

Girl and guy are watching TV... they've been together a few years, they have a regular and satisfying sex life. The guy typically initiates, but there's no indication of that happening tonight, and girl is feeling... amorous (there's that word again!). So she starts sort of hinting that maybe... honey... dear... sexy.. it's kinda sorta time to turn off the TV... and come to bed... And then perhaps there's some touching... and hinting... and he's just not picking up on it. OR he's not interested (not sure which is more annoying, frankly). Finally, she thinks "for fuck's sake, I'm done hinting at it," and says "Honey, I want you, right now, let's have sex." He looks at her like she's crazy... and what's running through is head is one of the following:

1) "WHAT!? We were up doin' it all night last night, she cannot be serious. I'm exhausted."
2) "I can't believe she just SAID it like that -- she could have at least hinted!"
3) "I hate it when she intiates, I feel so emasculated"
4) "I had such a crappy day, I don't want to think about anything or do anything, I just want to lay here with my beer and the remote, and try to forget about it.
5) "I have to get up so early tomorrow."

VERY RARELY is it:

6) "God, I'm so turned off by her, she's not pretty, she missed a strip while shaving her leg and now I'm horrified, sex?!?! With that wildabeast!? She's gotta be kidding. Ew. Pass the fritos."

But here is what girlbrain hears, no matter WHAT the circumstances:

"I'm fat. I'm ugly. My boyfriend doesn't like having sex with me, and I might as well go adopt 12 cats and join a convent."

Again, let me explain:

Since from age 18-29, we've been basically conditioned to think that you will nail anything that moves, the INSTANT you DON'T want to nail us, we take it personally. We've heard all your gross stories of bar conquests... of being the wing man and taking one for the team. We've heard that sometimes you creatures are even guilty of having sex with girls you don't even LIKE -- let alone lust after -- simply because it's like eating ice cream -- what's bad ice cream, right!? So the instant you don't want to have sex with us, all reason goes out the window, and we are just... bad ice cream.

Sour, lumpy, and unappealing.

Most marriage / sex counselors would advise a woman to do it anyway, even if not in the mood, because ultimately, once things get heated up, she'll probably BE in the mood really fast (assuming her partner is an attentive lover). With men it doesn't work quite that way - because obviously, um, if things aren't working, they just aren't working and that leaves us with some harsh limitations... which then can lead to embarrassment... which can then lead to further problems. However, I've yet to meet a woman (or at least associate with one!) who would not handle this situation with delicacy and kindness -- if this is a one night stand, that's different... if this is a long term relatoinship?? Guys??! TALK about it.

You're supposed to trust us, after all.

And now, with all this talk of your wood, sprouting wood, and the north woods, it's time for me to go do laundry and pack for our girls weekend... where we'll talk about boys, laugh our asses off, drink wine & build cozy fires with... (wait for it), you guessed it... chopped wood (aaaaaaaaand scene)****.

Sugar and spice,
~jess

*actually, I just really hate the word "horny," because ever since Austin Powers, all I can see in my head is his gross snaggle-tooth and thorny pinkynail being drawn to his mouth. Ew. Or worse, his nipples.** Shudder.
**I hate that word too.
***I think we've made it very clear just what kind of waxing we're doing. And it's definitely not philosophical, although it could be called neurotic.
****Contrary to popular belief, there will not be semi-drunk pillow-fights in our bra and panties*****, but if that's what it takes to get you boys & your wood revved up for our return... fantisize away.
*****I hate this word more than any other word in the english language, other than "moist," so now that we've got that out of the way, I promise never to use any of them again. OH, and slacks. I hate that word. And blouse. Banish them immediately, okay?

Kthxbai!!!

The Hypocrite In Me

I'm currently stuck, stranded, marooned...ahem, snowed in at General Mitchell International Airport in Milwaukee. I like to think that I do some of my best writing in airports since that's where I spend the majority of my time these days.

So, then, kiddies, we've nothing but time together, isn't that lovely?

Let's take a little trot back in time to one of my very first Chick Blog Entries when I got myself hiked up onto my soapbox and read you poor guys up one side and very succinctly down the other regarding spineless and unacceptable break up tactics.
Ay yei yei. Kat, you fucking hypocrite.

I realized the extent of my hypocrisy while having a chat with one of my dearest guy friends about the ways that his girlfriend is trying to get him to be more giving and invested in the relationship. I have to say, she's either not very well-versed with guy-brains or one very wily fox because I don't really understand what she's doing at all. Most recently she's cut him off from sex...(wait for it)... and she's in her 30s!!! How can she do it? I mean I'm horny like a teenage boy and we've seen the sorts of things they'll fuck. How can she can turn away a perfectly good boyfriend??

I digress...

This discussion of her tactics drove me from thinking she was trying to get him back into the swing of things to thinking she was trying to get him to end it with her to spare her the responsibility and the dirty work.

Aha!

And then I got to trot along memory lane of all the horrible things (conscious and sub-conscious) I'd done to get the hell out of a relationship.

1. I became a stark-raving bitch. He earned it, he wouldn't let me end it, kept on weaseling his way back in. Not my fault that I had to treat him like a miscreant.

2. I convinced him to go to a college VERY far away and then said we'd see each other when we could knowing full well that I was just trying to get rid of him. This culminated in a very unsavory Homecoming Dance incident.

3. I don't even know if I can say the last one but let's just say it wasn't very stand up but neither was telling him that being intimate with him was like "fucking my own thumb".

I'm a very bad person. Its a good thing I purge myself of these things via the blog so they don't taint my soul.

So I'm A Bitch, Dump Me Then.

Question for the ladies in the Hizzouse:

How many of you have acted like a complete bitch in hopes that your boyfriend will break up with you thus sparing you the ugly task of being the end-er of the relationship?

I've done it. I just heard about a girl doing it to one of my guy friends (note: she seemingly failed and thus went with the "No Sex For You" route which will likely prove effective in this case). I'm wondering if this is a widespread phenomenon worth exploring or if its just limited to the cowardly.

If its a phenomenon, I'll noodle on it and throw out thoughts/ideas/schemes to debunk the bitch.

-kat

Love Lockdown

This touches a bit on Kat's previous discussion of How To Tell If You're Her Holischmuck, but I feel it bears mentioning.

I have a male friend who went on a second date with a woman he likes -- but already, by the end of date #2, he's got an invitation to meet the friends and be her date at a holiday party.

Two. Dates.

Now, keep in mind, this friend of mine has an entire harem of women he's dating right now -- he basically has his pick of with whom he wants to fish, and whom he wants to cut bait (Okay, I butchered that expression, but I tried, give me some credit. I did so without ending my sentence with a preposition).

There are a few theories here --

1) You two have an honest connection, and you're both comfortable with moving forward. If that's the case, by all mean -- invite away!

2) You're trying to "lockdown" yer man. Bring him as deeply into your world as possible so that he won't want to -- or can't -- get away easily.

3) You like him so much that you want to show him off and impress your friends, family, co-workers, whatever. Understandable (until he dumps you for being A Loony and then you have to explain how you ruined things with The Awesome Guy).

4) It's your first holiday season single, post-breakup, and you're terrified and sad about attending holiday functions sans significant other. (Been there, done that, have the t-shirt -- and my best advice? Get it over with. Like ripping off a band-aid, it's never as bad as you think it will be. In fact, my first holiday season I had post-serious-breakup, I was terrified at the notion of being single, even within my own family. Turns out, it was even better than it had been with my ex, because he just made things SO complicated.)

Here's the bottom line -- women have a tendency to bring a Uhaul to the first date -- we're nesters, by instinct and biology, and for the most part have spent our lives waiting for our partners "light to come on.*" It's said that women get married when they meet the right person, and men get married when the timing is right -- and not a moment before or after, regardless of the person or situation.

Guys, if you're READY for this, then go for it! Go to the holiday parties, meet the girlfriends**... and move forward with the relationship. But a word of advice? If you're NOT ready? Just SAY so... for fuck's sake, we are not as fragile as you all think we are. It's okay to say "Hey, I'm really enjoying getting to know you, and I want to get to know you better, but I don't think I'm quite ready for the "meet the friends" stuff just yet."

There's no need to fake it, make excuses, stop returning phone calls, or fall off planet earth. Just be honest.

(Personally, I don't wanna be doin' that with anybody until we've established exclusivity -- can you imagine how awkward it would be the following Friday, after they've all gaga'd about your guy, when ya'll run into him out on the town... with another woman on his arm? Yikes.)

Women.. make sure your attemps are coming from the right place. I think a lot of women instinctively try to force their way into relationships because they think they HAVE to, or they SHOULD -- it's less about feeling a genuine readiness or genuine interest in BUILDING something real, rather it's about forcing it. Locking it down. There's nothing natural about that, and don't we all really want these things to grow organically? Blossoming because you're both happy and at ease, confident, comfortable, and natural? Not because somebody has forced an ill-fitting object through a poorly-matched space, confining and conforming it into an unnatural setting.

Didn't Kanye say it best?

I’m not lovin' you
Way I wanted to
What I had to do
Had to run from you
I’m in love with you
But the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

I'm not lovin' you
Way I wanted to
See I want to move
But can’t escape from you
So I keep it low
Keep a secret code
So everybody else don’t have to know

Sugar and Spice,
~Jess

*yeah, there are going to be lots of Sex and the City references here. Deal with it. I'm a single career gal in my 30s. You do the math.
**hey, if nothing else, you've just met a whole other pack of single women to pluck from if things don't work out with Lockdown Girl.

Let's Talk Turkey.

I don't know about the rest of you, but it's just not a holiday without a hefty dose of crazy family drama! Of course, here in the chickadee lounge, we're a bit more interested in hearing drama about your non-familial women -- c'mon, c'mon, c'mon... I know SOME of you must have some awesome stories. Girlfriend meltdowns? Mother-in-law drama? Fiance freakouts? Not-yet-official-girlfriends who are PO'd that you didn't spend the holidays with them? Alcohol-induced chickbrain overload?

Spill, dudes. Email us at chicksonchicks@gmail.com and show us whatcha got...

Sugar and spice,
~Jess

Anonymous' Question

Anon! Anon! You asked us a question in the comments section and it got totally lost! I'm sorry!

So here's her question:

I had a first date with a guy I met on the Internet on Wednesday. Prior to the date we had spoken on the phone several times and exchanged a few texts. The date went well and at the end of the date as he was dropping me off, he kissed me quite passionately and asked if he could come up. I said no not this time and that I wanted to wait until I got to know him better. He expressed how attractive he found me and that he couldn't wait to see me again. He drove off and I went up to bed. Got a call from him later saying how much he liked me and that he thinks that I am beautiful. The next day (Thursday) I had a short business trip to Las Vegas, just for the day. He knew about this trip. Once on the plane as I reach down to turn my phone off, I realize I don't have my phone. I have left it in the car. Oh well. I am with my boss on the plane and I am still connected to the office through him. I go about my day and fly back. Get in my car and notice 2 texts from him. The first one saying at 8am "Hope you slept well" and the second asking how my flight was at 11am. I respond a telling him about forgetting my phone and explaining my crazy day then asking him how his day was. This text was sent at about 7:30pm. Since that, no word from him. Ok…what's the deal? Should I be thanking my lucky stars that I avoided getting more involved with someone who is clearly a bit crazy OR was he really not that into me? Confused in California

CIC, Can I call you Cack? Just cuz I want to? Cool. Thanks.

I have a story to tell - in its own very special manner - it may also be an answer:

I had a guy friend about 4 years ago that was an AVID match.com'er, we'll call him Himbo. Actually, I think I was on match, saw Himbo and we reconnected on a PURELY platonic level. Here's why: About a week into our daily IM chat sessions (aka novels) he began to admit to a high level of sek-sual activity. Dig, dig, dig, pry, pry, pry. Himbo FINALLY admits that he's slept with nearly every Match.com date he's had in the past years and that although he lost count in the 100s, it's a lot.

WHAT?! Okay, so Himbo is now ManWhoor and I'm CONVINCED that he's trying to impress me with his sexual prowess and virility. Until I get secondary confirmation a la mutal friends that yes, ManWhoor is the dirtiest dick in the greater Minneapolis St Paul area.

Fine. But what about all these loosey goosey ladies that he found himself in compromising positions with? How did he find so many that would be with him, in the biblical sense? Was he really that good at the game? Were they really that horny? (Now that I'm 31 I admit the latter may have been the answer.)

All that above, take what you will from it, but apparently Match.com can be synonymous with AFF.com (don't go there from your work computer) and it sounds to me, Cack, like you got a guy that thought he was on par with ManWhoor.

But that's just me and my charming cynical nature assuming that no guy would ever be that attentive right away without an alterior motive.

Carry on, anon but beware the ManWhoor,
-kat

**FOOTNOTE!! ANON! You said you met him on the "internet" in your question. With today's advanced marketing and technology savvy - there are a few places on the World Wide Web to meet men. As mentioned above, AFF.com is one of those. Can you please (and thank you) provide clarity into the site upon which you found ManWhoor?

No Fairy Tales Here, My Friends

First a few housekeeping Items (Please note: I want to sing out "Housekeeping" in a high pitched sing-songy voice):

*Sorry for the time away from the laptop - I was workasaurus rex last week at a conference and during the 3 free minutes a day I had - I returned calls and emails from my customers. Call me crazy.

*We got an email, a good one I would say and I'll address it below. But not before addressing one of his points - The blog seems to have moved a bit away from its intended purpose and we will try to right the ship by giving guys advice about the inner workings of girls not trying to fix the inner mixed-up workings of you guys. Plus I find crazy chicks way funnier than asshole guys.

So, the letter today was from a guy we'll call Tigger. I won't cut and paste the entirety of the email but it goes a little something like this (again, I want to sing, what the fuck?):

Boy meets two girls. Boy is currently on the metaphorical teeter-totter with two girls. Girls are on polar opposite sides of the spectrum from personality to accessibility - thus boy brain devises scheme in which he gets ass and sass from Girl 1 (whom he aptly names Mulan) and gets intelligence and potential companionship from Girl 2 (whom he, again, aptly names Belle).

Let me give you a quick snippet of a few things I know about these girls and see if cutting out the bullshit makes it more apparent:

Mulan On their very first meeting, Mulan shares religious beliefs, a propensity for swinging, having sex on first dates, past history of her STDs and her love of World of Warcraft. And yet this vixen, doesn't kiss or canoodle on the first date and informs him on date two in a babyvoice that there's no playtime until 5 weeks into the relationship. (God, I'm ITCHING to scream the issues here right now but I need to build up some suspense as best I can)

Belle She cancelled date number one in order to spend the evening with the animal she'd adopted that very day. She then rescheduled the date for later in the same week. She set a time allotment for the date and exceeded it by 3 times and ended it with a kiss on the lips and a thank you text afterwards. She was upfront about her busy schedule and her recent move from out of state. She's been non-commital, yet flirtly, about date #2.

Oh my god, this is too easy.

Tigger, get your fucking head out of your ass on the Mulan front. She's a god-damned nutcase. First of all, she told you she's into swinging and has had STDs and then she won't fuck you for 5 weeks? You can be a lot of things, Tigger, in the name of getting laid but you can't be the science project to see if this chick can shake the Slut Gene. Because you know what? She can't. She flip-flops from being promiscuous with others to being chaste with you. If she was truly trying to clean up her dirty coot she would NEVER EVER tell you about those times. EVER. She sounds like she'd be fun in bed, sure, but depends how much you enjoy open sores and burning urination. Stop the Tigger Train, avoid Mulan Station and save yourself before this gets any further. Jesus.

Now, assuming we're all in agreement that Mulan is firmly in the past, I have a few thoughts on Belle.

I can't remember if I'd written this here on the site or not but I've said it to my guy friends a million times. I think that there are a lot of girls on Match that use it, not to find a boyfriend, but use it to find a date. This can be tough for those guys out there that are honestly hoping for love but in reality, its an online shopping tool and an ego boost wrapped in one. I think that maybe Belle is one of these girls (not a slam by the by, I've been this girl too) and here is why:

*She's newly moved to town from out of state. Why? Who was there? Why didn't he come? I think women often times undertake massive life changes after massive heartbreak. I'm not even the giving sort and I filled out a Peace Corps application once. Big moves, big changes can often relate to big breakups. NOT ALWAYS, I know, but sometimes...

*She's a workaholic. So are Jess and I, but we still make time for the man we want to see when we want to see him. My thoughts are she's got up her defenses and fences for that matter and usually that's due to protection of thine fragile heart.

*She just adopted a pet. Many times feline or canine love is just want the doctor ordered.

I'm merely reading beneath the surface here but my thoughts are that Belle is rebuilding her world. So tread carefully, give her space, keep you fingers crossed that you'll see her again but don't stop dating girls (other than Mulan) until you get a clearer picture from her.

So Tigger, I hope that helps. If not, tell 'Roo and Piglet to come over and we'll have some beers.

Bounce on,
-kat

Rescue Me

I guess the one request / requirement / piece of advice I forgot to mention throughout my many diatribes lately is one that I didn't even thought bore repeating: don't be rude.

This past weekend, I was absolutely blown away by the rudeness of a man I went on a date with -- and I'm still so stunned speechless by it that I don't even know how to detail it out, other than to say, he won't be getting so much as a returned text message from me ever again, and it's pretty easy to lose complete interest in somebody when they act like such a jackass. His number / email address were deleted from my crackberry before the door hit me in the ass on the way out.

Let me repeat in case you missed it the first time: Don't be rude.

And I don't buy any argument that you didn't know it was rude. Unless you are feral or were raised by wolves, you know the difference between good and bad manners, common courtesy and jackhole behavior. Because you've at least FAKED IT well enough to get to the point of an in-person meeting (and actually, this was a SECOND date).

We do have feelings, you know.

And no matter how confident, charming, ballsy, funny, and strong we may appear, underneath it all, we're just girls. Girls who like a boy and are hoping he likes us back. When you cut me, I still bleed. It still smarts when the cute boy doesn't like me, and even though the next day I might crack up about it with my girlfriends, and write funny/scathing emails to my co-workers, in that moment -- sitting at the bar, with my tail tucked between my legs, it hurts. In 24 hours, it won't be a big deal, but in the moment? Ouch.

Don't be rude.

Luckily, my evening had a happy ending, the kind that can only come from being rescued by a friend, somewhat of a knight in shining armour... one that has clearly been reading up and taking notes. The stench of Bad Date was quickly washed away.

Sugar and spice,

~Jess

Question of the Day

Question of the day --

How do guys just FORGET to call?

I think that this is a myth. I think "I forgot" or "I got busy" is guycode for "I just really don't like you that much."

Yet... lately I've been hearing this gripe from the world of online dating.

"We guys have to make all the moves. Why is it so one sided? Why don't the women ever initiate?"

Uhhhh... wellllllllllllllllllll.

I don't know about you ladies, but personally, I like to be chased a bit. I touched on this in our original response to Tony, Toni, Tone, and I'll say it again -- when did all the men become women? I spend most of my life making decisions, having choices, being forceful and strong, courageous and bold... managing my house, my dog, my career, my finances, my car, and STILL managing to look cute and have dinner on the table (even if it's just for me).

When it comes to my love life -- or at least the first few dates of it -- I want YOU to come after ME.

Repeat:
I WANT YOU TO COME AFTER ME.

If you don't, I'll assume you're not interested. It's just that simple. And frankly, I've dated enough to know that when you DON'T have that chase? Ahem, boys?

You get bored really damn fast.

It's like we've gotta keep you on your toes or you get distracted by a bright shiny new object.

(aka, T & A).

Don't disappear to The Island of Lost Men, only to half-assedly reappear -- case in point, I got an email today from a guy I'd totally written off. We went out a week and a half ago, had what I thought was a great time and a promising connection, exchanged several texts over the next few days, and then...........

~crickets~

He totally went dark. Complete radio silence. Until tonight -- when I get an email:

"How's it going? Thought you'd enjoy a couple of pictures from the show I went to. Hope you're doing well."

Uhhhhhh.

I don't even know what to do with that. Men? Women? I'm curious as to your thoughts. What do I DO with that? Is that an invitation to restart the courting process? Just a conversation? Did he really think I wanted 2 lame pictures of the stage of a show I wasn't it, put on by a band I've never heard of and don't give a shit about? And if it IS supposed to be a gateway back into a second date, then how about, "Hey, wanna go out this weekend?"

Does. Not. Compute.



I really wish somebody could explain this phenomenon to me of wishy washyness. And how much should we women indulge this? I mean, is it really as simple as "man as hunter goes after what he wants, if he doesn't go after it, he doesn't want it"? Or are there mitigating circumstances?


Disinterested, or douchebag?

Discuss.

Sugar and spice (with vodka this time, please)
~Jess

A Single Gal's Advice

It's been The Kat Show for a couple of days around here -- apparently one side affect of my profound Seasonal Affect Disorder is the inability to be funny. I have a few dating theories and thoughts about Mars & Venus I'd like to test out, but I don't think right now is the appropriate time. So for now, hot off the dating scene, you get some advice from a tried and true single gal.

1) Call when you say you're going to call. If you say "I'll call you on Sunday," that's what I thnk is happening. I know that in your guybrain, that means "Eh, I"ll call you sooner or later, whenever I'm thinking about it," but in my girlbrain, it means I'm scheduled into your PDA. If you don't want to call me, don't say you're going to call. Once you set expectations, I start to wonder why those expectations aren't being met. So do us all a favor, and be accountable.

As somebody wise once wrote:

"Calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you're building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you aint never gonna have a house baby. And it's cold outside."

1a) If we've had sex, by all means, you need to call me within the next 24 hours, or you are a certifiable douchebag, and I'll probably never speak to you (let alone sleep with you) again. If I DO have such little self-respect to grace you with the pleasure of my company after such douchebaggery, then frankly, I deserve to be treated a little bit like crap. Men -- a quality woman won't even respond to this type of behavior. If you're looking at vetting out a possible long-term relationship, you've done so right there.

Alas, we teach others how to treat us.

2) Pick the restaurant. Better yet, pick a couple and let me choose... it makes me feel like I'm getting to go somewhere of my choosing, but it prevents me from having to do the mental rundown and stress about where YOU'D like to go. Ideally, have this picked out before you even pick up the phone to call (and yes, I said call -- none of that texting garbage -- we covered that a few days ago). Nobody likes the awkward "Uh, I dunno, where od you want to go?" If I can offer you one word of advice, it's to talk to a female friend or relative approximately your age, and ask her for THREE suggestions of good first date spots for dinner/ drinks. Keep those in your arsenal. Shit, put them on speed dial. You'll look like a rock star every time you need a reservation, and with that trifecta of hot spots in your palm, you'll always have a good suggestion for a first date.

3) Open the door, take her coat, pay the bill. Sigh. I don't really care whether or not a guy opens doors for me, but what I HATE is when the guy doesn't GET to the door fast enough to open it for me, but then does that "chivalric guy fumble," where he tries to get to the door before me. Either I stand there in front of the door, not opening it and looking like a dumbass, or I fling it open in such a way that your manhood is compromised and you think "damn, she won't even let me open the door." Be one step ahead. Help me take my coat off and on -- it's sweet. And a firm hand on the middle / lower back as you let me walk ahead of you while the hostess seats us... well, that just sends chills down my spine.

And the bill comes. Fellas, this one just isn't up for discussion. It's the first date. PAY. Do not let me. I'll offer, and if you let me, I'll split it with you without hesitation, but on the first date, or th first FEW dates... PAY THE BILL. Trust me, this will always make you look good. After several dates, she'll probably start reciprocating or splitting it with you (or at least, I will, and most of my girlfriends will as well). If she doens't... then it's up to you how to proceed. Either you decide she's a golddigger and dump her, or you talk about it, or you happily keep picking up the check knowing that she's the best investment you've ever made.

4) Let me help you too. I think it's awesome that there are men in my life who will clean my gutters, mow the lawn, insulate my attic, and hang the curtains if necessary. Truthfully, I can do most of that stuff myself, I'd just rather not. That said, I take great pride and joy in the girlie aspects of my life (clothing, cooking, home decor, entertaining), and as the woman in your life, I want to help you with that stuff. One of the most wonderful things a past boyfriend once asked me to do was to help him grocery shop in such a way that he could make healthy food at home. YES! Just like you like to show love by doing things for me, I like to show love (and feel very appreciated!) when you let me share my knowledge and abilities as well.

5) Tell me I'm pretty. Or beautiful. Sometimes I want to be told I'm hot, sexy, incredible... but nothing warms my heart like the word pretty. And nothing makes me feel more confident around you than knowing you are happy to have me on your arm. That confidence, in turn, makes me a lot more fun to be around, and a lot less crazy when we're not together.

That's all I've got for tonight -- The Office is on, and it's hard to write about romance with a 46" Michael Scott holding up a blue satin eye pillow on pause on my TiVo.

Check back later this week for thoughts on my Sexistential Crisis, Sexpectations, and The Singlehood Bell Curve.

Sugar and spice,

~Jessica

How Is She NOT Crazy?

As I sit here in yet another airport, during yet another week on the road, I find that I'm experiencing an irritation that may very well make me crazy. Its one of those irritating, grating things that starts in the middle of your stomach with a clenching and an unscratchable itch. Its progresses to the point where you have to flex and unflex various parts of your body in hopes of releasing the tension that is building in your entire being. Deep breaths, lean your head back, close your eyes, clench, unclench, clench, unclench. My breathing is getting shallower, I'm starting to hit what feels like a breaking point...I might whack my own head against the trash can next to me or I may just scream at the guy to my left.

Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, sluuuurp, smack, chomp. His gum chewing is so loud and so wet and so pervasive (flex and unflex fingers, didn't help) that I can't escape it. I moved to the only other free seat, about 5 seats away. Still hear it. Chomp, chomp, chomp, spit sloshing, chomp. ARG.

"The housing crisis really seems to be causing problems." (Genius at work)

"Really, $15 for checking my bag. I fly your airline all the time, this is ridiculous!" (Ahem, close your mouth, you don't fly it all the time, if you did you'd be elite and you wouldn't have to pay, shut up)

"Sweetie, don't worry about forgetting your jacket, we'll just buy another when we land." (Really but you can't afford $15 to check your bag?)

"Chomp, slurp, smack, swallow, chomp, chomp, chomp!"

This woman next to him seems completely oblivious to the fact that she's sitting next to the world's loudest gum-chewing IDIOT ass.

How is she NOT crazy? Is she numb? Is she deaf?

Can I say something like "Shut the fuck up"?

I wish you could see him. Let me paint the picture if I can.

He's sitting stretching all 5'6" of himself as long as he can, hands clasped behind his balding noggin, old school glasses a la Chevy Chase in Vacation, bushy beard and mustache (that I'm hoping his gum gets stuck in), navy suit with a tie on, tie falling sadly to the side of his enormous belly, feet stretched long out in front (blocking the way for anyone who might want to pass), dress pants far too short, bad loafers, argyle socks.

He makes me want to kill myself to get out of my misery. And yet the woman sitting next to him stays there. Is likely his mate...

I guess there is someone for everyone in this world.

CHOMP, CHOMP ARGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Clench clench clench...

Crazy In Love

Although I'm really not a fan of Beyonce - I think she's onto something here. While out for a couple of tasty and refreshing adult beverages with a friend of mine the other day we started to explore the phenomenon of "Cool Chick I'm Dating -> 'I Love You' -> Nutjob Girlfriend"

Apparently, this sort of about-face is not an uncommon occurrence which is a little scary and could definitely be why many intelligent, crazy chick-fearing guys don't say it for a long while into a relationship.

So, I put on my crazy hat and started to noodle on this. Why in the world would girls get crazier after hearing a declaration like that? It truly goes against my theory: insecurity is the root of all crazy.

Is it because they were undercover flat-out crazies acting like normal chicks until they "snagged" a dude and then felt like they could show their true colors?

Is it because they are now in a relationship that is more serious than they've anticipated so they've moved into the oh-so-cowardly out of "I'll treat him like shit til he dumps me to avoid guilt and second-guessing"?

As you can see, I came up with an option or two but I'm still just not feeling like we've gotten to the root of this evil. So I'm requesting an email or two (or a dozen for proof by numbers) from someone who's dated the mighty morphing crazy girl -- or better yet, someone who's been her. (I will protect the identities of both the innocent and the evil)

Help me out here...thoughts from the peanut gallery?

Married To It.

Dear Chicks,

I was sitting at the bar with my buddy, who happens to be happily married. I think his lady might be a bit looney. Please let me know if I am on target or off-base.

Okay so here is an example:

"Buddy" wants to go out to "Drink" in Mpls with some buddies for a night on the town. His old lady does not want him to go because all of the young girls will be hanging all over him asking for free drinks and more. Now let me clue you in....my buddy while a good guy is 35 yrs old about 5'10", 250# and nothing about him says Sugar Daddy. And to top it off, he loves his wife and would not cheat. I am thinking that perhaps she was one of these young girls one time and used the "older" guys for drinks and more.

Has Buddy married a crazy?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear "Buddy,"

I'm not sure if I can answer this question because frankly? I'm so dumbfounded by why anybody would willingly go to DRINK that I can't quite focus.

Oh, wait -- you're men. And there's young, scantily clad flesh there to look at.

Got it. Right-o, then.

Here's the bottom line -- Buddy isn't in a healthy marriage. And it's really a chicken or egg question as to whether or not she's a nutter, or he's a douchebag, or both. It could go either way, and I'd need more intricate knowledge of the relationship in order to answer appropriately -- but the bottom line? Something's gotta give, and something's gotta change.

Scenario #1: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years. He's cheated on her in the past, or at the very least, has an eye that wanders just short of the point of cheating. That's bound to make any woman feel insecure, and usually is indicative of a larger, more serious issue.

Scenario #2: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years, but life and children and jobs and other stressors have made their relationship less smokin' and more chokin'. She's in sweatpants (aka "I give up" pants), all day, nagging at him, and he's constantly rolling his eyes and fleeing to the basement to play XBOX and drink beer while she's forced to take care of the responsibilities. They are living like roommates and not lovers and have stopped having sex. He can't figure out how to put his @#$% socks in the hamper or dishes in the dishwasher, and she's usually drunk by 8 PM, asleep on her side of the bed, in a long-sleeved t-shirt and flannel pants.

Scenario #3: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years. She's perhaps a bit younger than he is, and she used to be quite the hot ticket -- she was out on the town all the time whne they were younger, which is how she snagged Buddy in the first place. Buddy absolutely adores her, and has never given her any reason to doubt him. She is high maintenance, dramatic, goes out with her girlfriends frequently, is controlling in the bedroom in terms of when, where, and what, and basically, has him on a short leash. He tries to flee to have some fun, and she flips (nevermind that Buddy had to go to Uptown to pick up her and her trashed friends at Drink last weekend).

Scenario #4: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years. They have a happy relationship. They are still having plenty of sex and fun together -- she has no reason not to trust him. Wifey is a nutter, insecure, harpy, and doesn't trust Buddy at all. In a few months, she'll hack into his email account, facebook, myspace and every other possible internet account he has. When he's asleep, she'll go through the call log and text messages on his cell, just to see if anything is suspicious. Finally, she'll find something remotely "off," confront him, and he'll flip out at her stalkerish behavior. She'll insist that if he doesn't have anything to hide, he shouldn't care that she went through his stuff. He'll start hiding more, because he's afraid that at the first sign of A WOMAN SHE'S NEVER MET having any contact with him whatsoever, she'll spontaneously combust.

And so it goes.

Sigh.

People, do you really want to be in an insecure relationship?? In case it's taken you more than a nanosecond to answer that question, let me step in: NO, you don't. I can tell you that from experience, because I've been there. And in the chicken-and-egg scenario, let me make it perfectly clear that confident, stable, sane women don't intensely suspect their man unless they are given a reason to -- and if you've REALLY done nothing suspect, you're probably with a nutter. Or, at least, you're with somebody you don't wanna be with.

My ex-boyfriend used to LOVE IT when guys would hit on me out on the town. Why? Because he knew, with 100% certainty, that I would never cheat on him; that I was fully faithful (it is important to note here that this is an EX boyfriend, so my fidelity was less about how awesome he was (ahem, assjacket), and more about the fact that I'm just not the cheating type -- regardless, he knew he could trust me).

I didn't love it quite as much when women hit on him, namely because I felt like he was always LOOKING to be hit on; seeking out attention from women, like I wasn't enough -- not pretty enough, not interesting enough, and not worthy enough of his adoration -- because he indirectly told me so, all the time, with his actions (inactions?).

I'd never felt that level of insecurity with a man (or any aspect of my life, for that matter) before, and I've never felt it since -- case in point, it wasn't a healthy relationship.

But I do know what a healthy relationship looks like -- I know that it's about being able to be your own people while coming together to enhance each others lives. I know it's about sometimes going your separate ways on a Friday night, knowing that you're coming home to each other. I know that it's about being with somebody who helps you to be the very best version of yourself, and you help them do the same.

The next guy I dated? I LOVED it when other girls flirted with him -- loved it when my friends and everybody else commented on how awesome he was. Love love loved it. I knew he was awesome, and I wanted everybody else to realize it too. He never once gave me a reason to doubt him, and I never did. In my heart of hearts, I knew my ex wasn't groovin' on me the way I needed to be grooved. I knew he had one foot out the door... and women... we usually KNOW.

So tell Buddy to sit down Wifey. Tell her how much he loves her. Tell her that just like she needs nights with the girls, he needs nights with the guys. That when he's out with the guys, there's nothing dirty going on... that he can't wait to come home and be with her.

It will go far... maybe not far enough to result in fishnets and a french maid costume, but certainly far enough to get her off his back so he can belly up to the bar with the boys, nag-free.

Sugar and Spice,
~Jess

Merry Chickmas and Happy Hanchickuh

I'm not a big fan of statistics because 1) I constantly forget the exact numbers b) I don't trust numbers that can be manipulated to prove a point and iii) 50% of statistics are made up (tee hee) but I heard a comment (maybe a stat) once that went something like this:

50% of all single women instigate relationships in late November and end them in mid February.

(I made up the 50% but I think it was something that made us look more desperate than that)

But it totally made sense to me and I couldn't believe I'd never come up with that little scheme myself. Presents, a date to parties, someone to love me in my post-holiday muffin top, hang tight through Blue Monday, stick it out to Valentines Day and ouila! The perfect Holiday Dating Coup.

But then I thought about it a bit more and realized that I could never pull that off for a few reasons:
1) I can't pretend to like anything I don't - I simply don't know how
2) I like being alone better than being with most people
3) Karmically, I'd meet the man of my dreams while in the middle of said coup (that shit just happens to me)

But I thought it might be fun to list the ways that good guys can avoid getting scooped up as the poor sucker to some girls insecurity during the holidays.

*If you meet her online and her profile states "Looking for that special someone to share life's turkey dinners and boxes of chocolates" Buyer Beware

*If your first date consists of attending a couple's Baby Jesus Shower complete with shower games and lacking booze (even some tasty 'nog), you can bet you're her HoliSchmuck. No one would do that to someone they liked.

*...I can't concentrate, I'm too busy watching MSNBC - I can't stop. Its going to be a long day. Go Vote! And then come back and help me with this...

*Uhhh...huuuuhhhhh. I want to say something about having the full collection of 25 years of Santabears but I just keep on seeing Sarah Palin and thinking she's Tina Fey.

Get out the vote,
-kat

We Can't Do This Alone

As much as I like to think that I've got plenty of material to write an epic novel about chicks crazy antics or guys bringing the crazy out of chicks or guys wondering how to deal with girls in general, I don't. And this isn't about me. This is about you. You nearly 600 people who have been reading our bloggity blog. So tomorrow before or after you "Get Out the Vote" you should also "Get Out the Crazy" and shoot us an email. chicksonchicks@gmail.com

Go Text Yourself

I had dinner last night with a few girlfriends -- all of us single and dating, save for one married gal -- and a major topic that came up over dinner is that of text messaging and it's appropriateness in the dating world.

Now, certainly once a friendship or relationship is established, things don't have to be as formal -- but I am of the mindset that asking a girl out -- or breaking a date, for that matter -- via text message is the cellular version of "winking" on match.com -- ie, gutless, spineless, and lazy.

Let me explain to you the way that girlbrain works in this situation -- most of us (I refuse to categorically classify "ALL WOMEN" as like this, because certainly all are not), make PLANS. On Wednesday, we usually want to know what we're doing on Friday and Saturday night. MOST of us would like to have a date with YOU, or at least the "you du jour," but we also don't want to be left hangin' without plans. Which means -- by the time Wednesday night rolls around, if I don't have a date, you can bet that I'm making some plans with friends for the weekend, OR I'm intentionally making plans to stay in and relax and get some sleep in an effort to have a productive Saturday and/or Sunday.

What does this mean? It means that you should probably do the askin' on Tuesday or Wednesday for a weekend date -- again, with the caveat -- in the beginning.

And preferrably? Don't TEXT to ask a girl out. Pick up the phone, ask like a gentleman, and then YOU do the planning.

(At least in the beginning).

Don't be askin' me where I want to eat or what I want to do, unless you are presenting me with a few options from which to choose -- that's actually awesome, because if you suggest something I loathe, I can simply state a preference for the other option.

Of the two best dates I've had in the last year, one made all the plans and told me where to be and when, and the other gave me a few options and then picked me up (coincidentally, both dates took place at the Bryant Lake Bowl in Uptown, Minneapolis, which I highly recommend for a 1st or 2nd date).

Not all women will like this, but I LOVE it, for reasons mentioned in previous posts.

After a few dates, certainly it's fine to text "hey, wanna grab a movie" Or "hey, can we do tomorrow night instead of tonight?" A well-placed "hey, I'm running late, be there in 15!" is MORE than acceptable, because it shows that you are aware that you're not on time... And certainly, random texts throughout the day, just to let the girl know you're thinking about her, are always welcome and might even score you some brownie points. :-)

But I'm about as low maintenance as they come, and so are my friends, and we all expressed frustration with the texting-of-plans-scenario.

There is a time and a place for texting, but it shouldn't take 100% of the place of a phone call -- or even an email -- or face to face interaction.

Now, when it comes to BREAKING plans, this is a huge no-no. I mean, it's one thing to text the instant you find out that you have to break a date (to give her a chance to make other plans), and then follow up with a phone call later, but to break a date via text with no follow-up whatsoever? I want to SMACK the woman that grants you a second date. Because frankly, that's just rude -- and the more women enable that kind of behavior, the more acceptable it becomes. Frankly, I think we've enabled it a little too much, which is where the whole problem comes from.

This might all sound awfully naggy and nit-picky, but it really isn't -- even the most down to earth woman wants to feel PURSUED every once in a while, like you're workin' for it just a little bit.

After all, we're off waxing our pink parts, applying makeup, getting nails done, shaving our legs, picking out cute outfits and wearing matching lingerie all in the HOPES that you're not a douchebag and we have a reason to make it all worthwhile -- and the way to ensure that we'll let you see the fruits of our labor is to take part in the chase.

WORK for it, guys. Make some effort, put it out there, and I guarantee you'll be rewarded.

Sugar and spice,
~Jess

Puss by Kat

First of all - Happy Halloween, I guess.

If I have time and energy later - I may not be able to stop myself from a diatribe on why women insist on going out looking like sluts on Halloween. I know you men love Halloween for that reason. I hate it for that reason. But that's neither here nor there right now. I've got easy questions to answer.

Johnny, thanks for making sure I didn't have to strain my brain today. I'm going to call you Chris, is that okay? No? Too bad. (All, Chris' questions are below in the previous email post by my lovely cohort)

First of all, the BarTemptress you've been swooning over. Ah, yes, the secret crush.

The most immediate thing to do would be to make sure your fake ID is awesome because usually they can spot a Junior High student in the bar pretty easily.

Then, think about how she acts around you? Don't know? Then be SURE you're at the bar when very few others are. Go in, spend some time with a beer and an un-busy BarTemptress and then answer these questions.

Does she serve you beers before others? If yes then continue.
Does she look you in eye, touch your arm when talking or laugh at your jokes? If yes then continue.
Does she seem to care about you outside the bar (as in time when you won't be swooning and tipping big)? If yes, then continue
If you've seen her outside the bar - we're in a good place but now is where we get into the negatives...

Does she flirt with other people in front of you (other than old regulars waiting for their with Old Milwaukees with schniblets of jerky in their beards)?
Does she talk about guys she likes/hooks up with/dates to you?

Do you see where I'm heading here? Despite the fact that we say "Yes" when we mean "No" we're actually pretty easy to read when we're interested in someone. If you pay a little bit of close attention to how she acts, handle the situation like a gentleman (treat her well and with respect) and proceed with confidence and style (fun first dates and brush your teeth) then I have no doubt you won't lose your go-to bar.

That's the concern here right? Not whether or not she'll go out with you? Think about that for a minute...yeah. You're right, she probably won't go out with you because you care more about your favorite wateringhole than being with someone you're interested in.

Topic DuJour Part Deux - Ze Female Grooming
(I do not speaka ze Frensch)

Now, Chris, when I read this I IMMEDIATELY think hair removal from pink parts. I did not, even for a second, think about my shampoo habits nor my socks matching so I'll leave that all to Jess.

That said, I've never really believed that there was a link between a chick's pube style and her mental stability. If there are any gynos out there with a distinct interest in starting a sociological (and possibly sociopathic) study group please stand up and identify yourselves. Would the control group be the big bushes? I think so.

The other interesting element is I don't really know what a chick's pube style preference is just by looking at her. But that would be a super cool talent - "Hey! I love your triangle! Where'd you get it!?"

I don't even really know most of my friends choices in styling. Yes, most do wax as discussions around where they go and who they see come up -- but there's a wide spectrum of outcomes from that. I hope never to use the words "wide spectrum" while discussing vaginas again.

Some girls take it all off. Does that mean they're uninhibited and free spirited? Nah.

Some leave a landing strip. Does that imply their love for aeronautics and Cessnas? Probably not.

Others go for a more full-bushed approach. (Ladies, some advice though, if full bushed is your preference, great. Please invest in some trimming tools though. No one likes a shaggy cooter)

Chris, were you just trying to get us to talk about pubes and pink parts? I think so.

But since its out there: If you're the type that expects and appeciates a well-kept coot then please return the favor and manscape yourself!

Puss In Boots

Hello Ladies, I need some advice...here is my background info: Mid-30s White fella, living in Hayward, WI. I am 6' tall and a thinner than most people in Hayward, but not really saying much...let's go with Husky. I have boyish good looks and a out-going personality. Most of my dating came in my college years at Stout (you know, when in doubt go to Stout!). So, I am very interested in a young lady. I need assistance on asking her out, as it is complicated. "Sally" is a bartender at my regular hangout. I see her at least 5 days a week. We are friends, but I want more. I don't want to make things awkward, but I really want to make my move. However, I don't want to have to change bars either. Please help.

(Also -- in a separate email) Can you please do a breakdown on female grooming or lack thereof and what that says about a lady's crazy factor?

~Johnnyboots69

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In honor of Friday, it's 2-fer-1 day in the Chickadee Lounge -- Mister Persistant (aka, Johnnyboots69), graced us with TWO emails since our grand debut, so I thought we'd tackle them both at once. So, Johnny -- if that is your real name which we seriously doubt -- sit back and enjoy.

A couple of things here-- first of all:

Hayward, really? I have a house in Hayward and am there often. Hey, I'm single, and I dig boyish good looks and outgoing personalities. And, as you know, PBR! I could solve your problem really easily -- fall in love with me instead, and you'll forget all about "Sally."

No, seriously dude? The bartender? Sigh. This is a tough one, because most bartenders are either 1) sluts (male bartenders), or 2) so freaking sick of being asked out that they just want to roll their eyes (female bartenders). That said, you claim that you are already friends, which I'm assuming means that you know each other better than just what your favorite drink is. I would probably straight-up just ask her out. If there is something you know she enjoys (ie, bowling, comedy, live music), ask her if'd she'd like to join you sometime. If it works out, awesome-- not only do you have a new girl, but you just scored free beers for life from your favorite watering hole. If it doesn't, it doesn't-- but nothing ventured nothing gained, right?

But here's where things get tricky -- without conducting a proper SWOT* analysis of this chick, Kat and I don't know what her Crazy Threat Level is -- if she's a nice girl-next-door from Wisco who will be able to maintain her composure and class if not interested -- or if things go south -- I think you're safe and your hangout won't be threatened. We'll call that Crazy Threat Level: white. No harm, no foul. However, if this chick has a potential Crazy Threat Level of bright flaming glow in the dark fuschia, you could be screwed -- if she's the type of bartender-chick that is wasted every weekend, dating lots of customers, and generally has the maturity level of a gnat, then I wouldn't even recommend going down this road -- or be prepared to give up your watering hole forever (or until she gets fired for calling in hungover one too many times).

All in all, if she's the quality chick you think she is, we shouldn't have a problem. Be advised that bartenders get asked out ALL the time-- and usually have a bit of a schtick / riff worked out for when they are not interested. If she's not a quality chick, well... then we question why you want to date her in the first place (actually, we don't question this at all, because for reasons I've previously mentioned, men seem to dig unsuitable women).

NOW! Onto your next question, and I have to admit this puzzles me a bit. I'm not sure what we're talking about here. Are we talking about normal hygiene, like tooth-brushing and hair-washing? High maintenance grooming like manicures, pedicures, and facials? Or are we talking about, ahem, below the belt grooming?

If' we're talking about the basics, I think anything short of Always Being Clean When You Are Around Other People is a bit slovenly -- I'm low / medium maintenance, so I'm never the chick that is perfectly put together at all times, but I am a big fan of showers, clean hair, and fresh breath, so those are "must haves" for me. If I'm going out on a date, you can guarantee I've put quite a bit of effort into my appearance -- I mean, I'll have good hair, a cute outfit, and my socks will even match (and if I think there's a chance of you seeing them, my bra and undies will too). All the spa stuff is personal preference and based on money -- I will say that the higher maintenance a chick is, the more likely there is to be drama. Either because she'll meltdown, or because you will. Some women (like myself) are big into the manicures because I need to have a professional appearance at work (and trust me-- they notice your hands and your shoes. Always). I work out a ton, so massages are almost a necessary luxury. But if you can't handle a chick that drops wads of cash on her own indulgences, then don't try dating her, because I guarantee those habits carry over into other areas of her life.

If we're talking about below the belt grooming here, again -- I'm going to say this is all about personal preference of the woman AND the man she's sleeping with -- and guys, let me be the first to say, some of you have some VERY ODD PREFERENCES. But that's fodder for a future post. Wax it all off? Bushy and beautiful? Landing strip? Everybody's got their preference, but the important thing here is cleanliness -- I think that goes without saying. Also, watching what you eat and drink leading up to moments where you might be, ahem, en flagrante goes a long way (yes, it does make things taste and smell different, for both men AND women -- so guys, eat your wheatgrass and avoid the pickles and coffee. Please).

I think it's safe to say that a woman who has poor hygiene probably also suffers from some serious self-confidence / depression issues, and you should steer clear of that for fear of her going off the deep end.

That's all I got on this one, plus I think my vicodin just kicked in, so I'll hand it back over to the lovely Kat for further commentary.

Sugar and spice,

~Jess

*that's "Strengths, Weaknesses,Opportunities, Threats" for those of you not in the business world.
**Didja see what I did up there with the title? Didja? Didja? I'm pretty proud of this one. Puss -- because he's both scared to ask her out, and the later discussion of personal waxing, and boots because his name is Johnnyboots. I kill me.***

***This might be the vicodin talking.

Dear Tony@Match.com

What the *uck with Match profiles?!? I've experimented a lot with mine in the past. One version hooked Jess (we won't say which one), but I continue to tweak. So here is my rant:

My first Match profile did not list my income, said I had red hair, featured a detailed, funny and charming "about me" section and contained several photos of me being manly, funny and pensive. No, none featured the famous "me with my shirt off", "me taking my own picture in the mirror" or "me with incredibly hot chick who I want you to think slept with me" photos. You've seen them, and yes, there are female versions including "me with adorable child who is not my own", "me with my family because I'm a good girl not the dirty whore you hope I am" and "me with good looking guy with whom I was a total dirty whore along with my sorority sister that one night in Cabo that I'll never re-create with you." But I digress. The net result, NO viable hits. So I began to tweak....

First I pared down the profile to a couple brief paragraphs that said nothing other than that I could complete a sentence and I removed the fact that I work in IT and instead just said "health care". My hair color changed to light brown. I also removed all photos but one and made fun of the fact in my profile to add at least some element of humor. The hits started to come in, but no real commitments to meet, just that I sounded "like a nice guy". I've heard that for years and learned it is code for "no, I won't sleep with you but I will drink enough to tell you about that night in Cabo on Spring break." So I tweaked some more.

I added my income. I went from "about average" to "Athletic and toned" (I was working with a personal trainer so I really could back up that change). I mentioned that I was taking cooking classes. And most recently, I added pictures of my dogs, the male equivalent of posting pics of you with an adorable child. The views increased a bunch. And since "display profiles with pictures of dogs" or "search for word 'cooking classes'" are not options in the Match search window, I'm guessing which new element had me popping up on the searches. Just to prove my point, I never post a good pic of myself, just crappy pics taken with my Mac's camera. I'm a good looking guy when I put in the effort, I just don't know how to capture my hotness in digital form. Jess has volunteered to help me take some better pics but just like a typical woman hasn't followed up, hiding behind some lame-ass excuse that she broke her elbow. I had a dollar for every time a woman texted me that excuse to break our second date I could super-size all of my meals at the golden arches. I'm digressing a bit, must resist the urge to be bitter...

So what about the ladies' profiles? They all say the same thing (except Jess's!) You all really love your close circle of girlfriends and that no guy will ever come between you and them (unless you're really hot and in Cabo when they come for girl's weekend). You all read "Eat, Pray Love", "The Secret" and "Kite Runner". You are all "as comfortable in heels and a little black dress as you are in sweats and a baseball cap". You love to travel, eat sushi and you have no interest in redheads who work in IT. Do you have any clue how hard it is to write you an introductory note that says something beyond "your pics are hot, I'd like to buy you a beer in hopes I get you drunk enough that we make out?" Give me something to build on so I can at least sound like I want something more meaningful than a quickie in the men's room at Chino with you! But if you're up for that, just let me know when to meet you there.....

So what have I learned from Match so far? That it sucks as much as trolling the bars. Few if any women will go beyond sending an introductory wink. They seem to expect, like they do in the bars, that we make the first move. I don't wink. I will find something in their profile as a basis to start out an email thread, even if it is "yes, I am writing to you because you look hot, but at least I'm being honest about it." Of the 50 emails I've sent in the past 9 months, 8 have resulted in actual dates. 4 of those made it to second dates and 1 resulted in a really cool friend. That alone has made it worth it. I'm still on Match, still tweaking the profile and still hoping that I can just keep checking my email waiting for Ms Right to pop in to my Inbox.
(Names have been changed to protect the innocent...but Troy, we're talking to you)

Thanks for your interest in my online dating profile! I'm sort of flattered by your interest as your profile is witty and well written. That said I'm not sold. (Or at least that's what I would imagine a young lass would say after getting your witty introductory email.)

Here's why:

*The photo is bland. What's with the eggshell walls and wan expression? You're 6'2"??? Hot! Nicely built! Rock it, brother. Go get a photo with a short girl friend and we've just solved half your problems. Oh and smile in that photo.

*The mammals...darling, yes. But, well, how do we say this nicely? When there are more photos of the doggies than the man, that's just a little odd. Also, if the woman's afraid that one ill-fated seat on your sofa will snuff out your beloved pooch, its time to get a bigger dog. Can't handle a real dog? Can't handle a real woman...

Our final thought on this matter as we don't want you to get a doggie complex is this: What would you think if Kat posted more photos of her two cats on her match profile than she did of herself?

But, in reading your email to The Chicks...we're intrigued. Here's what turned the tides: Crikey you're funny.

Jess' Take on Internet Dating (Subtitled: Dating Tony)

Having actually had the benefit of dating "Tony," I feel I have some insight into this topic -- and ladies, I will tell you, he is a catch! Smart, cute, funny, kind, and a fun guy to hang out with (and, a good kisser to boot, and even made me dinner once). All of that said, I think he might be a classic case of what I addressed in my last entry: the guy who ditches a perfectly awesome woman (ahem), in favor of a younger woman who is slightly crazy.

I'll tell you about Tony on a date -- he's the guy who will pull out your chair, buy your dinner, tell you that your messy, silly ponytail is super sexy, and make plans while ON the date to see you again. He'll kiss you in public, at the bar perhaps, and have the boldness to tell you he's been wanting to do that all night -- all the stuff that makes most of us melt. There is NO reason not to date this guy -- except for one little thing... and that's that he craves women who need to be fixed in some way -- in fact, the iteration of his profile that DID hook me was one where he confessed that because he's the oldest, he's a natural protector -- and at a time in my life where I was craving a little protection (say nothing about the desire of a man's man, rather than a man that made ME feel like a man), that was super appealing to me.

I've found that online dating IS like the bar scene - except that through the medium of email, perhaps it's a bit easier to make the first move. As a self-proclaimed "alpha female," I'm confident enough to make that move -- but to be honest? I don't really wanna. I spend my days as a woman in a man's world -- making decisions, calling the shots, and generally being in charge. At the end of the day, I know that MY guy will ultimately be the one that can take charge, be the decisive one, and take some of the burden off of me. My overall feeling about match.com and other internet dating experiences is:

"WHEN DID ALL THE MEN BECOME WOMEN???"

That said, I still want a guy who will respect me in the morning, admire my brains and boldness, while letting me live up to the super classy adage of "lady in the street but a freak in the bed."

So here I"ll address some of the points raised in the intro email:

To me, as long as you're not a troll, looks are usually the last piece of the puzzle. Have a good job, an income, a brain, an opinion, and a sense of humor, and now we're talking. I do like 'em tall, and I speak for MOST women when I say that, but I'm not super hung up on looks. Chemistry is much more important, and a sense of confidence that borders cockiness is an aphrodisiac to me -- say nothing of humor. Make me laugh 'til it hurts, and I'm yours.

Why don't the chicks make the first move? Two reasons:

1) scared
2) those of us confident to not be scared are so frickin' sick of it that we could scream.

I'm not a big fan of winking either -- and if and when I've done it, it's out of a desire for you to make the first move. So do it, dude. Sack up, take shot of Jack, and send me an email that makes me laugh and blush. Winking?? NOT HOT. I mean, in this age of instant communication, how lazy do you have to be to WINK instead of taking the 45 seconds to send me a quick email, really?

The pics:
Yes, there is a definite turn-off list for both male and female pictures -- let's start with men:

DO NOT:
1) post pics with your shirts off
2) post pics of you with other women, unless they aren't hot, or you make it blatantly clear that you are related to them
3) if you post a picture with you with a car or motorcycle, forget it. ew.
4) pictures of you with dead animals -- regardless of whether it's obvious that you are fishing or hunting, ew.
5) pictures of you with kids... ehhh, this is obvious, but not a total dealbreaker.

Women? Do not:
1) post pics of you with other men (see#2 above)
2) obviously drunk pics
3) pics with more than 1 cat, or more than 1 yappy dog. if you post a pic with a yappy dog, please make fun of your dog a little bit, while indicating that you love them
4) pictures of you with babies or small children -- again, the sentiment is very obvious

Future post might include advice on profile text, but I'll save that for later, because frankly, my elbow hurts.

Key takeaways:
1) Be who you are
2) No need to admit your income -- the girl you want doesn't care, and the guy who flaunts a big income could be seen as making up for other shortcomings
3) Don't be the crazy
4) Don't date the crazy
5) Even the most independent of women want to be the girl sometimes
6) Winking is for pussies
7) The one you want at the end of the day is the one that makes you laugh and smile.

The right girl is out there looking for you too -- and until you find her, just enjoy the ride.

Sugar and spice,
~Jess

Kat's Take on Internet Dating

Tony, Tony, Tony - I'm going to call you Tony. Is that okay? No? Too bad.

Internet dating is an elusive beast. The sort of elusive beast that people without gumption and drive are likely to lose battles against. (Did I just end a sentence in a preposition? I do that, deal with it.)

I've done four stints on Match.com. Each distinctly different in its approach thus each rendering a very different sort of result.

First, I followed YOUR typical recipe (classically funny by the by):

You all really love your close circle of girlfriends and that no guy will ever come between you and them (unless you're really hot and in Cabo when they come for girl's weekend). You all read "Eat, Pray Love", "The Secret" and "Kite Runner"* You are all "as comfortable in heels and a little black dress as you are in sweats and a baseball cap"**. You love to travel, eat sushi and you have no interest in redheads who work in IT.


You know what I got from that? About 52 hits in 2 hours. Winks and emails coming out my ying. From there, a few dates -- most with men who had photos from 35 pounds ago or guys who had cross-eyes or braces. (Guys - we're aware when you've got sunglasses on in every photo or CONSTANTLY smile with your mouth closed that there's a deal breaker involved.)


From there I started posting ugly photos of myself in hopes that my pool of men would be reduced or that I could just pursue the ones of interest without distraction. This did not garner the response I was looking for. Shocker I know.


Finally, I took the "Match in Tiny Doses" approach. My profile was also changed from what I viewed as enticing to others to brutal honesty with a sprinkle of bitch aka pure, unadulterated Kat.


Guess what? In my two day dose with my bitchy profile I met a guy who found my truest self entertaining and intriguing. Whodathunkit!?


What's the morale of the story, Kat? Well, Tony, its this.


1. Update your damn pictures.

2. Only Match.com in spurts and take breathers for clarity. (I used Match.com as a verb here)

3. Don't write your profile for what you think others are looking for, write your profile for you.

4. Go easy on yourself, even as a 5'8" platinum blond that a dude name "Tiger89"*** has written at least three dozen times, I still got brutally denied on Match.


You seem truly funny, truly down-to-earth and are not likely to be single forever despite the fact you work in IT and have red-hair.


Best of luck to you, young Jedi,
-kat


*I've only read "Eat, Pray, Love" and I did like it. Although I rebelled against reading it for awhile based on the "Pray" part. (I'm a heathen)
**I'm totally NOT comfortable in a little black dress and heels.
***Tiger89 is a Minneapolis renowned Match.com'er who has written EVERY girlfriend I know that has ever been on Match. Does this dude have a job?