Since Kat and I have found ourselves in happy relationships (gasp!), there hasn't been much to write* about as of late. I've decided to resurrect the blog, taking a slightly different angle.
I have this friend -- we'll call her Amy because, uh, that's her name. Amy is what I refer to as your classic "inexplicably single girl." She's in her mid-30s, smart, successful, attractive, fun, medium-maintenance, low on the drama, high on humor, and an all around catch.
Why is Amy single? Well, aside from the fact that like many of us she spent most of her 20s dating commitmentphobes and douchebags, she's also a dedicated professional, and devoted daughter/sister/friend/aunt/puppy mom, and a disciplined musician -- all things that take a ton of time, effort and energy. And even though I can't figure out why some guy hasn't snapped her up, when I look at the long list of her priorities, it makes perfect sense -- it's a trap that most young women fall into. We get very focused on meeting our own needs (as we should) and suddenly there's not enough time to look for Mr. Right, say nothing of the time to nurture and grow a relationship.
It was en route home from one of our many "sushi and girltalk" nights when I commented on the above, and her response, laughing was, "Well, I don't know, can't you FIX IT?"**
Thus, "Operation Fix It" was born.
For phase 1 of "Fix It," Amy joined E-Harmony... an online dating service that differentiates from the competition by solely offering a "Matching" system, vs. the "boyfriend shopping" that comes with most other dating sites -- you fill out a series of rather intense questionares, and EH claims to use very sophisticated "compatability software" to match you with your soul mate***
BUT -- I am somebody who has really enjoyed the conversational, "strike up random conversation with whomever floats your boat" nature of other dating sites like Match.com -- I look at it like a giant cocktail party, where you see somebody that interests you, and randomly strike up conversation. I've been told by numerous sources that those who HATE match.com love EH, and vice versa. I know that Amy didn't enjoy Match the last time she did it, so I figured this would be a good idea for her.
Instantly, there were a few contenders, but one definitely stood out from the crowd: dog owner, philanthropist, career-oriented, home-owner... all things that are important and similar to Amy's lifestyle and desire for a partner. They emailed back and forth a few times, had a few wonderful phone calls, and then set out on Date 1.
Amy is a lot nicer than I am****, but I think I summed up her date in 20 seconds on Saturday at our girls night --
"Nice guy. Asked her lots of questions. Outdated pictures. Unhealthy body weight. Looks like somebody's uncle. And sweated profusely throughout dinner. Wait, he asked you that question already. Could it be that he is so obsessed with the Twins game in the bar that HE CAN'T FULLY FOCUS ON HIS DATE? Next!"
And.......... scene.
So Date 1 of Operation Fix It was a bust -- but here are the positives:
Amy got out there. She identified something about her life she'd like to change -- namely, she wants to find a partner - and made some changes in her life accordingly (dropped a few "extra curriculars"). She stepped outside her comfort zone and tried something new, and gave somebody a chance. And ENJOYED the process, with a fun attitude.
The negatives? I have only two:
They waited too long to meet (this might be why I don't like EH), thus building up way too many expectations. I'm of the "meet 'em and greet 'em and love 'em and leave 'em" attitude, meaning: let's cut to the chase, have a drink, see if there's chemistry, and if not, we both walk away unscathed. It's all about timing -- with EH, you are sort of FORCED to have a long "get to know you period." I don't like that. Becasue then if it doesn't click in person, you actually mourn the loss a bit... like losing a friend, a last call goodnight, or a mini-breakup. Also -- my totally-negative-but-accurate-advice is always "DON'T GET EXCITED!" Look forward to meeting the new guy, but don't build up too many expectations.
Online dating is a numbers game -- much like real estate and busses, there's always another choice right around the corner*****.
Phase 2 of Operation Fix It will most likely include a round of speed dating... where some girlfriends and I sit at the bar, watch, snark, and take notes. Stay tuned!
Sugar and spice.
~Jess
PS: If any MEN actually read this and want to be set up with my pal, email me at chicksonchicks@gmail.com. There will be a qualifying process, but I'd love to find a GREAT guy for my fabulous friend!
*read: whine, bitch, complain, snark, and criticize
**apparently I've earned a reputation as somewhat of a match-maker / dating guru among my friends
***I've done EHarmony twice now, and frankly, think this is bullshit -- I don't think that my dream guy is a CPA, programmer, or a born again Christian that doesn't drink, but what do I know...
****And I think I'm nicer than Kat, so I'd love to see what SHE has to say about this.
*****My dad gave me this advice about real estate when I was embarking upon my first home-buying experience -- well, technically, he gave this advice to my BROTHER, who chose not to listen to him like the stubborn youngest-child that he is, but then later, my brother repeated this advice to me on behalf of dear old dad. I'm sure my brother AND father will be thrilled to know that I've recycled their advice in my racy blog on dating, sex, men, and crazy chicks.
9 comments:
No real comments, but this white font on black background is killing my eyes, lol. Sorry.
My first comment would be cutting and pasting my match profile verbatim from the site and showing you just how picky one must be:
Headline: I think I'm pretty awesome...
About me: Here goes attempt number 2973 at this Match thing - my modus operandi is to unhide my profile, have a flash in the pan moment of optimism, spend three days excited about Match again and then cancel my membership. But hey, being methodical isn't all bad either. And maybe its a numbers game...
So about me, I guess I'm always surprising myself, so you can imagine how the people around me feel. I'm intensely laid back, hopefully realistic, extravagantly low maintenance, ridiculously self-assured and brutally honest.
I love my family and friends more than they can often bear. I'm so comfortable in my own skin that it sometimes causes a scene. I laugh with wild abandon and don't much care what others think of me. A trait that took years to hone and I won't trade it for the world.
I would love to date someone that thinks they're pretty awesome too. That laughs at random things and knows what most big words mean. I want someone handsome too - and preferably not delusional about their handsomeness. (Oh come on, you know who you are...)
**END PROFILE**
At one point I had written "if your photos are over 2 years old, if you've gained weight, lost hair or generally gone down hill, please be sure your photos reflect that as I am sure you would expect the same consideration.
I HATE HATE HATE when people post the best most amazing flattering photos of themselves on their dating profiles, sure have it be the main one but then show us what you REALLY look like. Don't let us be disappointed when me meet you!! Isn't that, in and of itself, far more humiliating and humbling then being honest up front.
Amy, I'm so so so sorry.
One last word of advice. The first date should NEVER-NEVER-NEVER be more than ONE HOUR. A beer, a coffee, a walk - no dinner, no movies, no big days.
And just FYI - I met the man of my dreams on Match - so it CAN work. :)
I think the sweaty, balding, avuncular dude's first mistake (well, okay like fourth) was scheduling a date on a night he knew he wanted to watch the Twins game. I have scheduled dates either around the game or purposefully selected a place that DOES NOT HAVE TVs, thus not allowing myself to be distracted.
And I've plenty of dates where we're in a restaurant, having a nice time, and the guy has been pleasantly surprised when I say, "You have any interest in the Cubs game? Want to head around the corner and watch the last couple innings?"
My point here is that I think it's wrong to dismiss someone just because they like baseball more than this random person they just met. (Although I am sure Amy is completely fabulous)Dismiss him for other reasons, but not that.
Thank you for your consideration.
You've met Amy! YOu know she's completely fabulous!
You're right though -- don't pick a sports bar if you're going to be distracted by the Twinkies. Mostly, I just think it's rude to pay more attention to ANYTHING on TV than to the person you're trying to get to know.
Excellent use of the word "avuncular," BTW.
Golf clap.
I know you're not going to believe this but I don't even know what the fuck 'avuncular' means. Enlighten me?
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/avuncular
Thanks for the golf clap. And yes, I have met Amy, and she made me laugh. She was great.
What's going on with Operation Fix It now? You've definitely got me intrigued. Has Amy gone on any more dates?
Hey, help! I just started match.com and need advice on profile. Happy to give you my username and password to get your advice on what I should write. Please email me @ trixiebelden2006dotyahoodotcom. Thanks! (long time reader, first time commenter!)
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