Puss by Kat

First of all - Happy Halloween, I guess.

If I have time and energy later - I may not be able to stop myself from a diatribe on why women insist on going out looking like sluts on Halloween. I know you men love Halloween for that reason. I hate it for that reason. But that's neither here nor there right now. I've got easy questions to answer.

Johnny, thanks for making sure I didn't have to strain my brain today. I'm going to call you Chris, is that okay? No? Too bad. (All, Chris' questions are below in the previous email post by my lovely cohort)

First of all, the BarTemptress you've been swooning over. Ah, yes, the secret crush.

The most immediate thing to do would be to make sure your fake ID is awesome because usually they can spot a Junior High student in the bar pretty easily.

Then, think about how she acts around you? Don't know? Then be SURE you're at the bar when very few others are. Go in, spend some time with a beer and an un-busy BarTemptress and then answer these questions.

Does she serve you beers before others? If yes then continue.
Does she look you in eye, touch your arm when talking or laugh at your jokes? If yes then continue.
Does she seem to care about you outside the bar (as in time when you won't be swooning and tipping big)? If yes, then continue
If you've seen her outside the bar - we're in a good place but now is where we get into the negatives...

Does she flirt with other people in front of you (other than old regulars waiting for their with Old Milwaukees with schniblets of jerky in their beards)?
Does she talk about guys she likes/hooks up with/dates to you?

Do you see where I'm heading here? Despite the fact that we say "Yes" when we mean "No" we're actually pretty easy to read when we're interested in someone. If you pay a little bit of close attention to how she acts, handle the situation like a gentleman (treat her well and with respect) and proceed with confidence and style (fun first dates and brush your teeth) then I have no doubt you won't lose your go-to bar.

That's the concern here right? Not whether or not she'll go out with you? Think about that for a minute...yeah. You're right, she probably won't go out with you because you care more about your favorite wateringhole than being with someone you're interested in.

Topic DuJour Part Deux - Ze Female Grooming
(I do not speaka ze Frensch)

Now, Chris, when I read this I IMMEDIATELY think hair removal from pink parts. I did not, even for a second, think about my shampoo habits nor my socks matching so I'll leave that all to Jess.

That said, I've never really believed that there was a link between a chick's pube style and her mental stability. If there are any gynos out there with a distinct interest in starting a sociological (and possibly sociopathic) study group please stand up and identify yourselves. Would the control group be the big bushes? I think so.

The other interesting element is I don't really know what a chick's pube style preference is just by looking at her. But that would be a super cool talent - "Hey! I love your triangle! Where'd you get it!?"

I don't even really know most of my friends choices in styling. Yes, most do wax as discussions around where they go and who they see come up -- but there's a wide spectrum of outcomes from that. I hope never to use the words "wide spectrum" while discussing vaginas again.

Some girls take it all off. Does that mean they're uninhibited and free spirited? Nah.

Some leave a landing strip. Does that imply their love for aeronautics and Cessnas? Probably not.

Others go for a more full-bushed approach. (Ladies, some advice though, if full bushed is your preference, great. Please invest in some trimming tools though. No one likes a shaggy cooter)

Chris, were you just trying to get us to talk about pubes and pink parts? I think so.

But since its out there: If you're the type that expects and appeciates a well-kept coot then please return the favor and manscape yourself!

Puss In Boots

Hello Ladies, I need some advice...here is my background info: Mid-30s White fella, living in Hayward, WI. I am 6' tall and a thinner than most people in Hayward, but not really saying much...let's go with Husky. I have boyish good looks and a out-going personality. Most of my dating came in my college years at Stout (you know, when in doubt go to Stout!). So, I am very interested in a young lady. I need assistance on asking her out, as it is complicated. "Sally" is a bartender at my regular hangout. I see her at least 5 days a week. We are friends, but I want more. I don't want to make things awkward, but I really want to make my move. However, I don't want to have to change bars either. Please help.

(Also -- in a separate email) Can you please do a breakdown on female grooming or lack thereof and what that says about a lady's crazy factor?

~Johnnyboots69

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In honor of Friday, it's 2-fer-1 day in the Chickadee Lounge -- Mister Persistant (aka, Johnnyboots69), graced us with TWO emails since our grand debut, so I thought we'd tackle them both at once. So, Johnny -- if that is your real name which we seriously doubt -- sit back and enjoy.

A couple of things here-- first of all:

Hayward, really? I have a house in Hayward and am there often. Hey, I'm single, and I dig boyish good looks and outgoing personalities. And, as you know, PBR! I could solve your problem really easily -- fall in love with me instead, and you'll forget all about "Sally."

No, seriously dude? The bartender? Sigh. This is a tough one, because most bartenders are either 1) sluts (male bartenders), or 2) so freaking sick of being asked out that they just want to roll their eyes (female bartenders). That said, you claim that you are already friends, which I'm assuming means that you know each other better than just what your favorite drink is. I would probably straight-up just ask her out. If there is something you know she enjoys (ie, bowling, comedy, live music), ask her if'd she'd like to join you sometime. If it works out, awesome-- not only do you have a new girl, but you just scored free beers for life from your favorite watering hole. If it doesn't, it doesn't-- but nothing ventured nothing gained, right?

But here's where things get tricky -- without conducting a proper SWOT* analysis of this chick, Kat and I don't know what her Crazy Threat Level is -- if she's a nice girl-next-door from Wisco who will be able to maintain her composure and class if not interested -- or if things go south -- I think you're safe and your hangout won't be threatened. We'll call that Crazy Threat Level: white. No harm, no foul. However, if this chick has a potential Crazy Threat Level of bright flaming glow in the dark fuschia, you could be screwed -- if she's the type of bartender-chick that is wasted every weekend, dating lots of customers, and generally has the maturity level of a gnat, then I wouldn't even recommend going down this road -- or be prepared to give up your watering hole forever (or until she gets fired for calling in hungover one too many times).

All in all, if she's the quality chick you think she is, we shouldn't have a problem. Be advised that bartenders get asked out ALL the time-- and usually have a bit of a schtick / riff worked out for when they are not interested. If she's not a quality chick, well... then we question why you want to date her in the first place (actually, we don't question this at all, because for reasons I've previously mentioned, men seem to dig unsuitable women).

NOW! Onto your next question, and I have to admit this puzzles me a bit. I'm not sure what we're talking about here. Are we talking about normal hygiene, like tooth-brushing and hair-washing? High maintenance grooming like manicures, pedicures, and facials? Or are we talking about, ahem, below the belt grooming?

If' we're talking about the basics, I think anything short of Always Being Clean When You Are Around Other People is a bit slovenly -- I'm low / medium maintenance, so I'm never the chick that is perfectly put together at all times, but I am a big fan of showers, clean hair, and fresh breath, so those are "must haves" for me. If I'm going out on a date, you can guarantee I've put quite a bit of effort into my appearance -- I mean, I'll have good hair, a cute outfit, and my socks will even match (and if I think there's a chance of you seeing them, my bra and undies will too). All the spa stuff is personal preference and based on money -- I will say that the higher maintenance a chick is, the more likely there is to be drama. Either because she'll meltdown, or because you will. Some women (like myself) are big into the manicures because I need to have a professional appearance at work (and trust me-- they notice your hands and your shoes. Always). I work out a ton, so massages are almost a necessary luxury. But if you can't handle a chick that drops wads of cash on her own indulgences, then don't try dating her, because I guarantee those habits carry over into other areas of her life.

If we're talking about below the belt grooming here, again -- I'm going to say this is all about personal preference of the woman AND the man she's sleeping with -- and guys, let me be the first to say, some of you have some VERY ODD PREFERENCES. But that's fodder for a future post. Wax it all off? Bushy and beautiful? Landing strip? Everybody's got their preference, but the important thing here is cleanliness -- I think that goes without saying. Also, watching what you eat and drink leading up to moments where you might be, ahem, en flagrante goes a long way (yes, it does make things taste and smell different, for both men AND women -- so guys, eat your wheatgrass and avoid the pickles and coffee. Please).

I think it's safe to say that a woman who has poor hygiene probably also suffers from some serious self-confidence / depression issues, and you should steer clear of that for fear of her going off the deep end.

That's all I got on this one, plus I think my vicodin just kicked in, so I'll hand it back over to the lovely Kat for further commentary.

Sugar and spice,

~Jess

*that's "Strengths, Weaknesses,Opportunities, Threats" for those of you not in the business world.
**Didja see what I did up there with the title? Didja? Didja? I'm pretty proud of this one. Puss -- because he's both scared to ask her out, and the later discussion of personal waxing, and boots because his name is Johnnyboots. I kill me.***

***This might be the vicodin talking.

Dear Tony@Match.com

What the *uck with Match profiles?!? I've experimented a lot with mine in the past. One version hooked Jess (we won't say which one), but I continue to tweak. So here is my rant:

My first Match profile did not list my income, said I had red hair, featured a detailed, funny and charming "about me" section and contained several photos of me being manly, funny and pensive. No, none featured the famous "me with my shirt off", "me taking my own picture in the mirror" or "me with incredibly hot chick who I want you to think slept with me" photos. You've seen them, and yes, there are female versions including "me with adorable child who is not my own", "me with my family because I'm a good girl not the dirty whore you hope I am" and "me with good looking guy with whom I was a total dirty whore along with my sorority sister that one night in Cabo that I'll never re-create with you." But I digress. The net result, NO viable hits. So I began to tweak....

First I pared down the profile to a couple brief paragraphs that said nothing other than that I could complete a sentence and I removed the fact that I work in IT and instead just said "health care". My hair color changed to light brown. I also removed all photos but one and made fun of the fact in my profile to add at least some element of humor. The hits started to come in, but no real commitments to meet, just that I sounded "like a nice guy". I've heard that for years and learned it is code for "no, I won't sleep with you but I will drink enough to tell you about that night in Cabo on Spring break." So I tweaked some more.

I added my income. I went from "about average" to "Athletic and toned" (I was working with a personal trainer so I really could back up that change). I mentioned that I was taking cooking classes. And most recently, I added pictures of my dogs, the male equivalent of posting pics of you with an adorable child. The views increased a bunch. And since "display profiles with pictures of dogs" or "search for word 'cooking classes'" are not options in the Match search window, I'm guessing which new element had me popping up on the searches. Just to prove my point, I never post a good pic of myself, just crappy pics taken with my Mac's camera. I'm a good looking guy when I put in the effort, I just don't know how to capture my hotness in digital form. Jess has volunteered to help me take some better pics but just like a typical woman hasn't followed up, hiding behind some lame-ass excuse that she broke her elbow. I had a dollar for every time a woman texted me that excuse to break our second date I could super-size all of my meals at the golden arches. I'm digressing a bit, must resist the urge to be bitter...

So what about the ladies' profiles? They all say the same thing (except Jess's!) You all really love your close circle of girlfriends and that no guy will ever come between you and them (unless you're really hot and in Cabo when they come for girl's weekend). You all read "Eat, Pray Love", "The Secret" and "Kite Runner". You are all "as comfortable in heels and a little black dress as you are in sweats and a baseball cap". You love to travel, eat sushi and you have no interest in redheads who work in IT. Do you have any clue how hard it is to write you an introductory note that says something beyond "your pics are hot, I'd like to buy you a beer in hopes I get you drunk enough that we make out?" Give me something to build on so I can at least sound like I want something more meaningful than a quickie in the men's room at Chino with you! But if you're up for that, just let me know when to meet you there.....

So what have I learned from Match so far? That it sucks as much as trolling the bars. Few if any women will go beyond sending an introductory wink. They seem to expect, like they do in the bars, that we make the first move. I don't wink. I will find something in their profile as a basis to start out an email thread, even if it is "yes, I am writing to you because you look hot, but at least I'm being honest about it." Of the 50 emails I've sent in the past 9 months, 8 have resulted in actual dates. 4 of those made it to second dates and 1 resulted in a really cool friend. That alone has made it worth it. I'm still on Match, still tweaking the profile and still hoping that I can just keep checking my email waiting for Ms Right to pop in to my Inbox.
(Names have been changed to protect the innocent...but Troy, we're talking to you)

Thanks for your interest in my online dating profile! I'm sort of flattered by your interest as your profile is witty and well written. That said I'm not sold. (Or at least that's what I would imagine a young lass would say after getting your witty introductory email.)

Here's why:

*The photo is bland. What's with the eggshell walls and wan expression? You're 6'2"??? Hot! Nicely built! Rock it, brother. Go get a photo with a short girl friend and we've just solved half your problems. Oh and smile in that photo.

*The mammals...darling, yes. But, well, how do we say this nicely? When there are more photos of the doggies than the man, that's just a little odd. Also, if the woman's afraid that one ill-fated seat on your sofa will snuff out your beloved pooch, its time to get a bigger dog. Can't handle a real dog? Can't handle a real woman...

Our final thought on this matter as we don't want you to get a doggie complex is this: What would you think if Kat posted more photos of her two cats on her match profile than she did of herself?

But, in reading your email to The Chicks...we're intrigued. Here's what turned the tides: Crikey you're funny.

Jess' Take on Internet Dating (Subtitled: Dating Tony)

Having actually had the benefit of dating "Tony," I feel I have some insight into this topic -- and ladies, I will tell you, he is a catch! Smart, cute, funny, kind, and a fun guy to hang out with (and, a good kisser to boot, and even made me dinner once). All of that said, I think he might be a classic case of what I addressed in my last entry: the guy who ditches a perfectly awesome woman (ahem), in favor of a younger woman who is slightly crazy.

I'll tell you about Tony on a date -- he's the guy who will pull out your chair, buy your dinner, tell you that your messy, silly ponytail is super sexy, and make plans while ON the date to see you again. He'll kiss you in public, at the bar perhaps, and have the boldness to tell you he's been wanting to do that all night -- all the stuff that makes most of us melt. There is NO reason not to date this guy -- except for one little thing... and that's that he craves women who need to be fixed in some way -- in fact, the iteration of his profile that DID hook me was one where he confessed that because he's the oldest, he's a natural protector -- and at a time in my life where I was craving a little protection (say nothing about the desire of a man's man, rather than a man that made ME feel like a man), that was super appealing to me.

I've found that online dating IS like the bar scene - except that through the medium of email, perhaps it's a bit easier to make the first move. As a self-proclaimed "alpha female," I'm confident enough to make that move -- but to be honest? I don't really wanna. I spend my days as a woman in a man's world -- making decisions, calling the shots, and generally being in charge. At the end of the day, I know that MY guy will ultimately be the one that can take charge, be the decisive one, and take some of the burden off of me. My overall feeling about match.com and other internet dating experiences is:

"WHEN DID ALL THE MEN BECOME WOMEN???"

That said, I still want a guy who will respect me in the morning, admire my brains and boldness, while letting me live up to the super classy adage of "lady in the street but a freak in the bed."

So here I"ll address some of the points raised in the intro email:

To me, as long as you're not a troll, looks are usually the last piece of the puzzle. Have a good job, an income, a brain, an opinion, and a sense of humor, and now we're talking. I do like 'em tall, and I speak for MOST women when I say that, but I'm not super hung up on looks. Chemistry is much more important, and a sense of confidence that borders cockiness is an aphrodisiac to me -- say nothing of humor. Make me laugh 'til it hurts, and I'm yours.

Why don't the chicks make the first move? Two reasons:

1) scared
2) those of us confident to not be scared are so frickin' sick of it that we could scream.

I'm not a big fan of winking either -- and if and when I've done it, it's out of a desire for you to make the first move. So do it, dude. Sack up, take shot of Jack, and send me an email that makes me laugh and blush. Winking?? NOT HOT. I mean, in this age of instant communication, how lazy do you have to be to WINK instead of taking the 45 seconds to send me a quick email, really?

The pics:
Yes, there is a definite turn-off list for both male and female pictures -- let's start with men:

DO NOT:
1) post pics with your shirts off
2) post pics of you with other women, unless they aren't hot, or you make it blatantly clear that you are related to them
3) if you post a picture with you with a car or motorcycle, forget it. ew.
4) pictures of you with dead animals -- regardless of whether it's obvious that you are fishing or hunting, ew.
5) pictures of you with kids... ehhh, this is obvious, but not a total dealbreaker.

Women? Do not:
1) post pics of you with other men (see#2 above)
2) obviously drunk pics
3) pics with more than 1 cat, or more than 1 yappy dog. if you post a pic with a yappy dog, please make fun of your dog a little bit, while indicating that you love them
4) pictures of you with babies or small children -- again, the sentiment is very obvious

Future post might include advice on profile text, but I'll save that for later, because frankly, my elbow hurts.

Key takeaways:
1) Be who you are
2) No need to admit your income -- the girl you want doesn't care, and the guy who flaunts a big income could be seen as making up for other shortcomings
3) Don't be the crazy
4) Don't date the crazy
5) Even the most independent of women want to be the girl sometimes
6) Winking is for pussies
7) The one you want at the end of the day is the one that makes you laugh and smile.

The right girl is out there looking for you too -- and until you find her, just enjoy the ride.

Sugar and spice,
~Jess

Kat's Take on Internet Dating

Tony, Tony, Tony - I'm going to call you Tony. Is that okay? No? Too bad.

Internet dating is an elusive beast. The sort of elusive beast that people without gumption and drive are likely to lose battles against. (Did I just end a sentence in a preposition? I do that, deal with it.)

I've done four stints on Match.com. Each distinctly different in its approach thus each rendering a very different sort of result.

First, I followed YOUR typical recipe (classically funny by the by):

You all really love your close circle of girlfriends and that no guy will ever come between you and them (unless you're really hot and in Cabo when they come for girl's weekend). You all read "Eat, Pray Love", "The Secret" and "Kite Runner"* You are all "as comfortable in heels and a little black dress as you are in sweats and a baseball cap"**. You love to travel, eat sushi and you have no interest in redheads who work in IT.


You know what I got from that? About 52 hits in 2 hours. Winks and emails coming out my ying. From there, a few dates -- most with men who had photos from 35 pounds ago or guys who had cross-eyes or braces. (Guys - we're aware when you've got sunglasses on in every photo or CONSTANTLY smile with your mouth closed that there's a deal breaker involved.)


From there I started posting ugly photos of myself in hopes that my pool of men would be reduced or that I could just pursue the ones of interest without distraction. This did not garner the response I was looking for. Shocker I know.


Finally, I took the "Match in Tiny Doses" approach. My profile was also changed from what I viewed as enticing to others to brutal honesty with a sprinkle of bitch aka pure, unadulterated Kat.


Guess what? In my two day dose with my bitchy profile I met a guy who found my truest self entertaining and intriguing. Whodathunkit!?


What's the morale of the story, Kat? Well, Tony, its this.


1. Update your damn pictures.

2. Only Match.com in spurts and take breathers for clarity. (I used Match.com as a verb here)

3. Don't write your profile for what you think others are looking for, write your profile for you.

4. Go easy on yourself, even as a 5'8" platinum blond that a dude name "Tiger89"*** has written at least three dozen times, I still got brutally denied on Match.


You seem truly funny, truly down-to-earth and are not likely to be single forever despite the fact you work in IT and have red-hair.


Best of luck to you, young Jedi,
-kat


*I've only read "Eat, Pray, Love" and I did like it. Although I rebelled against reading it for awhile based on the "Pray" part. (I'm a heathen)
**I'm totally NOT comfortable in a little black dress and heels.
***Tiger89 is a Minneapolis renowned Match.com'er who has written EVERY girlfriend I know that has ever been on Match. Does this dude have a job?

Counterpoint: The Tipping Point

I'm not talking about The Tipping Point that was a national best seller -- with all that lovely mush about tipping and paying it forward and making the world a better place. No, I'm talking about the tipping point where... a chick (or dude, but that's not the point here), tips right over the edge of sanity. Perhaps with the help of the lovely fermented form of sugar or barley, but sometimes... she's just teetering way too close to the edge, poised to fall.

And here are my thoughts on that -- I take mental health pretty seriously, and those of you who know me know that for years, I've been the FIRST person to make a lot of allowances for people who might, frankly, have some serious mental / emotional work to do. Mental health is health. That said, I will NEVER understand you dudes who seem not only to make exceptions for this behavior, but SEEK OUT the women on the edge. It's like ya'll will see a total stable, successful, happy chick, date her, and then toss her to the curb in favor of The Crazy. I can't tell you how many of my male friends have given up an awesome woman their own age for a 22 year old with multiple personalities that doesn't have a checking account.

And yeah, I get it. The 22 year old is hot. She's cute, and sweet and looks up to you like you're God's gift to women, and that makes you feel powerful and strong. She needs you to fix a lot of stuff and help her sort out life (unlike the woman your own age, who probably can change her own oil and might make more money than you). She has absolutely no expectations of you whatsoever, and that makes her really easy to date.

She will also completely fuck your shit up.

Because here's the lesson -- the PBR-induced deep end that Kat discusses below is pretty normal and I'd venture to say we've all been there (sometimes even without PBR -- I can remember one time at age 27 when I packed a bag and went to my parents for the night because my ex-boyfriend was watching some SI swimsuit episode thing on TV and I took that as a personal affront. Supermodels in bathing suit?! Yes, clearly he's the only man interested in that... riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight).

But I'm talking about the deep end that basically means one of two things:

1) she's too young for you
2) she's mentally unwell / non self-aware

And for this I will criticize both men and women.

Men, don't go for this chick. She's not a problem to solve or a project to "fix," and anything you ty to do to "fix" her will only result in a level of codependence that leaves you both obligated to each other in unnecessary ways. Nobody can change unless they want to, and this is one thing you can't figure out -- no matter how hard you try or how ambitious you are.

Chicks, if you are teetering on the tipping point, it's time to take stock. Maybe step out of the dating pool for a while and focus on you. Conquer your demons. Gain the confidence and self-awareness that comes with a bit of introspection. Date yourself for a while -- in the end, you'll not only be a woman you're proud of, but the woman any guy would be proud to date.

I hate that part in Jerry MacGuire where he says, "You complete me." HELLO! Codependent much? I don't want anybody to complete me, nor do I want to compete anybody else. I want two complete, happy, mentally stable and easygoing people coming together to REINFORCE each others completeness -- not because they are looking to overcompensate for each other's weakness.

So -- bottom line:

Chicks? Don't be the crazy.

Men? Don't date the crazy.

Everybody wins!

Be sure to check back frequently as the response has been great -- tonight, over wine, we'll be tackling the all-too-familiar-to-us-both topic of internet dating.

~Jess

Kiddie Pools and Deep Ends

"If a woman was driven off the deep end - could it be a possibility that she was too close to the deep end in the first place? Maybe he nudged her a bit, and with her being a little tipsy on, say PBR, she just fell off. Maybe some should stay away from the deep end until they learn how to swim :) ?"

Ah. Yes. The alcohol induced topple into the deep end. Such a fun thing. Women are so much more susceptible to this too! Why is that? Because we're just not as physically equipped to process booze as men are? Because our natural reactions tend to be more of the emotional nature and PBR can amplify that?

We've all been witness to the train wreck that results from a chick with an under-the-surface emotional issue who starts drinking too much. Oh the tears, the snot, the whimpering! Oh the drama! Oh the easy lay!

Do you know you can do to prevent that, Chicks? Two things: addressing your drama while sober not pushing it down and not drinking too much when you're feeling emotional.

Do you know what you can do to prevent that, Guys? Nothing really except running for the hills. Sorry.

*****************************************
It goes a little something like this:

Chick Brain Sober: I wonder what Man meant when he said "You never wear skirts and you look so good in skirts"

(Incidentally, this is man complimenting chick)

Chick Brain + 1 PBR: Maybe I should have worn a skirt tonight for our date.

Chick Brain + 2 PBR: Oh god, maybe he doesn't like my legs in jeans.

Chick Brain + 3 PBR: Must pee. (Walking to bathroom) OH GOD, is he watching me walk away and wishing that I had a skirt on? Oh shit, that chick has a skirt on. And she's sort of cute.

(Chick pees and spends a few minutes diligently staring at her ass and legs in the mirror and finding every fault with them she can)

Chick Brain + 4 PBR: He hates how I look in pants. Cute girl in skirt is right in his line of vision.

(Skirted Chick is standing in front of the big screen TV with the football game on)

Chick Brain + a 6-pack: I'm a slob! Man hates how I look. Man is looking at every other woman in the bar and wishing he was with them. (Sniffle, sniffle...sob...snot...gasp...)

And at that point chick does look like shit. Man confused. Chick swims around in deep end.
*******************************************************************************
So yes, JC, thanks for the thought. You're right. Many women do teeter on the edge of the deep end and I put it on the women to ensure that they either a) stick to the kiddie pool for a few weeks or b) wear their water wings.

That said JC, there's not a whole lot you can do about women who live their lives on the edge of the pool. But you can learn to recognize them and avoid them. Then look for the ones which are great partners in crime and its when the going gets tough that she topples off. And in those cases, you squeeze your eyes shut and wait until she sobers up and finds herself properly mortified.

Your friend in swimming,
-kat

Lesson One: Tactics (to Avoid) for Breaking Up

All right, as much as it disgusts me. There something I have to do. I have to bring something up to you guys as a Lesson right out the gate. I would much prefer to be bashing my fellow females for being high maintenance, insecure or better yet, jealous. But Nooooo, I have to talk about the methods you may and may not use to end a relationship with someone.

Grrr....

#1. You may not break up via text message UNLESS you've only gone out once. And in that case, you're only allowed to cancel the second date with harmless lies.

#2 If you've been dating someone, she's met friends, she's spent the night, you know, you're DATING then you can't break up via voicemail OR email. As much as it sucks, you owe it to her to tell her to her face.

#3 You may not (as implied above) break up via a social networking site. If I ever hear of someone doing a "wall post" to end something, I'll end them. I know people.

#4 Snail mail. While rather romantic for love letters or birthday cards, this is also a rather poor way to end a relationship due to the 2-3 day lag in which you'll need to avoid calls.

#5 The 5th Grade Breakup. Once, in Junior High, Nick called me on behalf of Andy to tell me that Andy wanted to break up. That's okay in 5th grade because then Nick asked me out and it was all cool in the school. That is not okay past Junior High.

#6 The most vile of them all... The Silent Treatment. You may not end a relationship by the silent treatment. This would be one of the main ways to take a normal, well-adjusted girl and make her boil rabbits. Keep that in mind.

Now I don't want you thinking I'm all rules and no fun here are the things you are allowed to do - but never admit:

*Lie. The truth hurts. I'd rather hear "I'm just too busy for a girlfriend" than "Your ass doesn't look good in leggings" any day of the week. Soften the blow if you must.

*Start dating right away - hey, we do too!

*Don't keep your "Of course we'll still be friends" promise. If you don't like her enough to date her, chances are you'll not like her much better as a friend.

Over and out,
kat.

Introducing Chick Decoder: Jess

It's not lesbian porn, but that title got your attention, didn't it?

Sigh.

Well, if Kat is the part of our fierce duo that makes sure you're wearing your big boy pants, I guess that makes me the one to wash, starch, dry, and give them back to you (after you inevitably soil them -- she's kinda scary).

I'm "the sugar to her spice," so to speak -- although from time to time, I can be a little fiesty (a friend once nicknamed me "medium salsa").

We have a lot of things in common (obviously, a love for PBR and fun ------>), including but not limited to both being 31 year old unmarried women who have seen it all when it comes to men, and women, and dating.

Ultimately, we'll probably often end up with the same advice, but the paths taken will be different. Kat will give it to you straight up and dirty -- she'll cut to the chase, take no prisoners, and put it all out there. Me? Well, I tend to take the road less travelled.. and while I'll never just tell ya what you want to hear, my delivery is perhaps a bit softer, and definitely more verbose.

One of the things I've come to love about being a self-sufficient and successful woman in my 30s is that my bullshit meter is pretty strong -- I know when guys are full of it (like Kat, every single person I work with is male, and I grew up with mostly men as besties). I know what I want, what I deserve, and I'm not afraid to ask for it (always with a smile). I also know GOOD guys and believe they do exist... I'm fortunate to be related to a few of them, have many wonderful male friends, and even dated one or two in my 31 years. Nothing drives me crazier than the women out there who give the rest of us women a bad name: dramatic, passive-aggressive, game-playing women that ruin things for the rest of us.

Hey ladies -- a tip... if you constantly have the same problems with men over and over again, it's time to dig a bit deeper and realize -- they aren't always the problem... it might be you.

After all, what do all these horrible men have in common?

That's right: YOU.

All of that said -- we're all human. And being human, whether male or female, is hard. Emotions are tough. Relationships are scary, and opening yourself up to the possibility of love is downright terrifying. At what point does "self-preservation" become "twisted head games"? At what point do we put down "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Why Men Love Bitches" and start just playing it from the heart? Doesn't all the self-help mumbo-jumbo just confuse things?

Yes. The tools designed to help us, more often than not, end up hurting because they confuse women into acting unnaturally. Men, I can help you figure out why your woman is acting like a lunatic and how you can put a stop to it.

Being a girl is confusing.

So is being a guy.

Lucky for you, Kat and I will help you sort it out. We're girls with enough "alpha female" characteristics to know the score and how to deliver it without crying. After all, there's no crying in baseball, right?

And remember -- it's alwasys happy hour in the chickadee lounge. So sit down, put your feet up... make yourself comfy and email us at chicksonchicks@gmail.com. Pour out your heart -- we'll pour a stiff drink and do our best to sort out your chick drama. We'd also love to hear your funny, zany, downright ridiculous dating stories.

With a lot of style, a hefty dose of humor, and always a cocktail,
~Jess

Introducing Chick Decoder: Kat

The bottom line is this: We've all been there.

That moment when you stop dead in your tracks, stop mid-sentence, pull your car over to the side of the road or just simply have an epiphany: I'm dating a nut job. (Let me tell you though, its worse when the epiphany is: I'm a nut job. And I've been there too.)

And therein, my friends, lies the heart of the matter. Is this girl in your world certifiably crazy or have you simply driven her off the deep end?

Because as much as I hate to admit it, there are a lot of crazy ladies out there, guys. But for every crazy lady, there's a simple explanation. And that's what we're here to provide you with.

I'm Kat. I'm 31 years old and quite qualified for my new job as "Chick Decoder 2000". First off, I am a chick. Add that many of my best friends are men and every coworker I have is a man and you'll find I am someone well versed in the issues facing boyfriends these days. Finally, I've dated...a few...okay...a lot. I'm wise to the wily ways of you all - and I'm intimately aware of the tactics of the women you date.

If my friends, coworkers and family trust me, you can too.

From me, you'll get the succint and tough answer. No sugar coating like my partner in crime, Jess. You'll get the truth - so far as I can figure it. And I might not be very nice about it. So be sure to wear your big boy pants.

-kat