Love Lockdown

This touches a bit on Kat's previous discussion of How To Tell If You're Her Holischmuck, but I feel it bears mentioning.

I have a male friend who went on a second date with a woman he likes -- but already, by the end of date #2, he's got an invitation to meet the friends and be her date at a holiday party.

Two. Dates.

Now, keep in mind, this friend of mine has an entire harem of women he's dating right now -- he basically has his pick of with whom he wants to fish, and whom he wants to cut bait (Okay, I butchered that expression, but I tried, give me some credit. I did so without ending my sentence with a preposition).

There are a few theories here --

1) You two have an honest connection, and you're both comfortable with moving forward. If that's the case, by all mean -- invite away!

2) You're trying to "lockdown" yer man. Bring him as deeply into your world as possible so that he won't want to -- or can't -- get away easily.

3) You like him so much that you want to show him off and impress your friends, family, co-workers, whatever. Understandable (until he dumps you for being A Loony and then you have to explain how you ruined things with The Awesome Guy).

4) It's your first holiday season single, post-breakup, and you're terrified and sad about attending holiday functions sans significant other. (Been there, done that, have the t-shirt -- and my best advice? Get it over with. Like ripping off a band-aid, it's never as bad as you think it will be. In fact, my first holiday season I had post-serious-breakup, I was terrified at the notion of being single, even within my own family. Turns out, it was even better than it had been with my ex, because he just made things SO complicated.)

Here's the bottom line -- women have a tendency to bring a Uhaul to the first date -- we're nesters, by instinct and biology, and for the most part have spent our lives waiting for our partners "light to come on.*" It's said that women get married when they meet the right person, and men get married when the timing is right -- and not a moment before or after, regardless of the person or situation.

Guys, if you're READY for this, then go for it! Go to the holiday parties, meet the girlfriends**... and move forward with the relationship. But a word of advice? If you're NOT ready? Just SAY so... for fuck's sake, we are not as fragile as you all think we are. It's okay to say "Hey, I'm really enjoying getting to know you, and I want to get to know you better, but I don't think I'm quite ready for the "meet the friends" stuff just yet."

There's no need to fake it, make excuses, stop returning phone calls, or fall off planet earth. Just be honest.

(Personally, I don't wanna be doin' that with anybody until we've established exclusivity -- can you imagine how awkward it would be the following Friday, after they've all gaga'd about your guy, when ya'll run into him out on the town... with another woman on his arm? Yikes.)

Women.. make sure your attemps are coming from the right place. I think a lot of women instinctively try to force their way into relationships because they think they HAVE to, or they SHOULD -- it's less about feeling a genuine readiness or genuine interest in BUILDING something real, rather it's about forcing it. Locking it down. There's nothing natural about that, and don't we all really want these things to grow organically? Blossoming because you're both happy and at ease, confident, comfortable, and natural? Not because somebody has forced an ill-fitting object through a poorly-matched space, confining and conforming it into an unnatural setting.

Didn't Kanye say it best?

I’m not lovin' you
Way I wanted to
What I had to do
Had to run from you
I’m in love with you
But the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

I'm not lovin' you
Way I wanted to
See I want to move
But can’t escape from you
So I keep it low
Keep a secret code
So everybody else don’t have to know

Sugar and Spice,
~Jess

*yeah, there are going to be lots of Sex and the City references here. Deal with it. I'm a single career gal in my 30s. You do the math.
**hey, if nothing else, you've just met a whole other pack of single women to pluck from if things don't work out with Lockdown Girl.