Tit for Tat

Dear Chicks,

I'm your average red-blooded male -- 36 years old, and I have a girlfriend I'm crazy about and VERY attracted to. The problem (you won't believe me, but here goes)? She wants sex ALL the time. And believe me, more often than not, I'm more than willing to oblige -- but sometimes, I just don't want to have sex. And she takes that verrrrrry personally. And then we get into an argument, or she starts crying, or something like that. I don't know how to make her understand that sometimes, I'm just not in the mood... it's been a long day, I have an early morning, etc. etc. Plus, sometimes when she pursues me so much, I feel a bit emasculated, like, "hey, I'm the guy, let me initiate." What do I do? She's crazy, right? HELP!

Signed,
RBM

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Since Kat and I are preparing for a girls weekend away in the north woods, I thought I'd leave you lovelies with something to ponder whilst we are away -- namely, YOUR wood.

AKA, why does this idiot not want to get laid?

Ha. I kid, I kid. But, RBM (is that code for Ridiculous Bonor Malfunction?), believe me when I say that this is an issue I'm ALL TOO FAMILIAR with, not only because of my own experiences, but that of most women in my social circle. And here's why:

Personally, I think it's mother nature's cruelest joke that just when women are ramping up, the men are slowing down -- from a sexual perspective (say that ten times fast). It's common knowledge that women hit their sexual peak in their early 30s, and men? You peak at like, 18. You spend the next decade trying to nail anything in a skirt, while most of us focus on being a moving target, and then when we're primed and ready to go, you kinda sorta can't be bothered.

Le Sigh.

Let me tell you what happens to a woman at 30 --

For one thing, biology is SCREAMING at us to have babies. So even if we're not necessarily terribly interested in having kids, our ovaries don't agree. Thus, the hormones that make us... how shall we say (um, kat would say "horny" here, but since I'm a delicate little flower*, I prefer to use a different word), amorous.

All the frickin' time.

ALSO, at the same time, we're past that 20-something fear of "oh my god, what if I get pregnant?!" and have moved on a bit into the "oh my god, what if I NEVER get pregnant" phase of life -- no no, I don't mean we're all sitting around neurotically waxing*** on fertility, I just mean that instead of fearing pregnancy, it's more like "Well, I've got my shit straight, good job, enough money, responsible, weeded out the assclowns, I'm sexually confident, and I feel pretty good about myself -- if I want sex, God damnit, I'm going to go out and FIND it, pregnancy be damned!"

And if you aren't interested? I'll find somebody who is.

So in this sense, the roles are a bit reversed. AND there are the hormones.

Men, never underestimate the power of the hormones. You think PMS is a joke, or a scapegoat -- and sometimes it is -- but hormones are very real, and at times, very frustrating.

It's the female equivalent of you sprouting wood during the swimming semester of 7th grade gym class. Uncontrollable, uncomfortable, and leading to situations we didn't intend.

(ie, sniffling, sniveling, semi-drunk girl brain crying about why she must be so fat and ugly that her boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with her).

And then there's the other piece... ahhh, yes. Emasculation. My very favorite topic.

I hear ALL the time that men LOVE IT when we initiate sex. Um, okay, who are these men and where can I find them? Because for the past few years, it's been MY experience that while they might love it some of the time, they also don't really love it. Because, like most red-blooded males, they like to do the chasing. And when they can't chase, they get bored. Or worse, they are afraid the women can outrun them (outearn them, outperform them, outwhatever them), and just sort of shrink off into the corner. Guys, RELAX. Your woman taking the lead in the boudior is NOT code for "I don't value your manhood and I want to be in control," it simply means "I'm confident enough in our relationship -- and in myself -- that I can tell you when I want it, how I want it, and where I want it." DANCE, SUCKA!

(teehee).

Let me set the scene for you here:

Girl and guy are watching TV... they've been together a few years, they have a regular and satisfying sex life. The guy typically initiates, but there's no indication of that happening tonight, and girl is feeling... amorous (there's that word again!). So she starts sort of hinting that maybe... honey... dear... sexy.. it's kinda sorta time to turn off the TV... and come to bed... And then perhaps there's some touching... and hinting... and he's just not picking up on it. OR he's not interested (not sure which is more annoying, frankly). Finally, she thinks "for fuck's sake, I'm done hinting at it," and says "Honey, I want you, right now, let's have sex." He looks at her like she's crazy... and what's running through is head is one of the following:

1) "WHAT!? We were up doin' it all night last night, she cannot be serious. I'm exhausted."
2) "I can't believe she just SAID it like that -- she could have at least hinted!"
3) "I hate it when she intiates, I feel so emasculated"
4) "I had such a crappy day, I don't want to think about anything or do anything, I just want to lay here with my beer and the remote, and try to forget about it.
5) "I have to get up so early tomorrow."

VERY RARELY is it:

6) "God, I'm so turned off by her, she's not pretty, she missed a strip while shaving her leg and now I'm horrified, sex?!?! With that wildabeast!? She's gotta be kidding. Ew. Pass the fritos."

But here is what girlbrain hears, no matter WHAT the circumstances:

"I'm fat. I'm ugly. My boyfriend doesn't like having sex with me, and I might as well go adopt 12 cats and join a convent."

Again, let me explain:

Since from age 18-29, we've been basically conditioned to think that you will nail anything that moves, the INSTANT you DON'T want to nail us, we take it personally. We've heard all your gross stories of bar conquests... of being the wing man and taking one for the team. We've heard that sometimes you creatures are even guilty of having sex with girls you don't even LIKE -- let alone lust after -- simply because it's like eating ice cream -- what's bad ice cream, right!? So the instant you don't want to have sex with us, all reason goes out the window, and we are just... bad ice cream.

Sour, lumpy, and unappealing.

Most marriage / sex counselors would advise a woman to do it anyway, even if not in the mood, because ultimately, once things get heated up, she'll probably BE in the mood really fast (assuming her partner is an attentive lover). With men it doesn't work quite that way - because obviously, um, if things aren't working, they just aren't working and that leaves us with some harsh limitations... which then can lead to embarrassment... which can then lead to further problems. However, I've yet to meet a woman (or at least associate with one!) who would not handle this situation with delicacy and kindness -- if this is a one night stand, that's different... if this is a long term relatoinship?? Guys??! TALK about it.

You're supposed to trust us, after all.

And now, with all this talk of your wood, sprouting wood, and the north woods, it's time for me to go do laundry and pack for our girls weekend... where we'll talk about boys, laugh our asses off, drink wine & build cozy fires with... (wait for it), you guessed it... chopped wood (aaaaaaaaand scene)****.

Sugar and spice,
~jess

*actually, I just really hate the word "horny," because ever since Austin Powers, all I can see in my head is his gross snaggle-tooth and thorny pinkynail being drawn to his mouth. Ew. Or worse, his nipples.** Shudder.
**I hate that word too.
***I think we've made it very clear just what kind of waxing we're doing. And it's definitely not philosophical, although it could be called neurotic.
****Contrary to popular belief, there will not be semi-drunk pillow-fights in our bra and panties*****, but if that's what it takes to get you boys & your wood revved up for our return... fantisize away.
*****I hate this word more than any other word in the english language, other than "moist," so now that we've got that out of the way, I promise never to use any of them again. OH, and slacks. I hate that word. And blouse. Banish them immediately, okay?

Kthxbai!!!