Sparkless

Carrie Bradshaw calls it "Sza Sza Szu," an expression that makes me physically cringe when I hear it. Some people call it "butterflies in the stomach," and others just call it attraction. I call it a "spark," and once you've experienced it with a potential partner, it's virtually impossible to settle for anything less.

That said, sometimes those relationships that start out hot and heavy don't have any staying power -- the slow burn is the one that, in true tortoise-and-hare fashion, wins the race.

I don't know all the answers, but I do know this --

Guys, yeah, we want a nice guy. But when we say "nice guy," we don't mean one that takes 4 dates to kiss us on the cheek, and doesn't have the cajones to make the bold move. We want men of integrity and kindness -- who still know how to pick up the CHECK, and pick up the CHICK.

In other words, don't be an ass, but at the same time, don't confuse "nice guy" with "I won't touch your boobs until the 6th date, and only after you've given me verbal permission."

"Nice guy" is a positive thing.

"Wus" is not.

I've been in the situation a dozen or more times when I've WANTED to like somebody so much -- the anxiety of the relationship isn't even found in whether or not he likes me or whether or not he'll call, but why we're not smokin' physically... the symptoms of which are: not excited to go out. Not excited to see his name on my caller ID. Not excited that the relationship seems to be continuing or that he seems to be interested. Yet I've tried to be excited; tried to stay interested. When I finally admit it isn't working, more often than not, it's because try as I might, my "good on paper" guy was, in real life, as pale and milquetoast as a sheet of 8 X 10 matte ivory finish.

Yet over and over again, I've "tried to feel a spark." Tried to convince myself there was something there, even though there wasn't.

I've also been on the other end -- where the guy feels every little wonderful thing for me in the world... except the spark. I didn't really understand what that meant, until I dated a few sparkless guys. And once again, these were men that were wonderful guys... we just didn't have that intangible, magical chemistry.

On a first date with my current flame, he said to me, "Yeah, you women... you get all wrapped up in that spark. Personally, I think that's overrated."

A month later, he said "Actually, I totally get that now -- I'd never felt it before, until I found it with you."

"See," I smiled at him, "I told you it's not overrated."

The problem, of course, rears it's ugly head when you've never felt it before -- if you only have past assclowns and crazies to compare your current relationship to, EVERYTHING feels like an improvment. If you don't know "the spark," how long to you tough it out before packing it in?

I'm of the belief that you have to be connecting on all levels (physically, emotionally / mentally, intellectually), in order to feel that spark -- I think of it as a three-legged stool, and if any of those legs is short, broken, or otherwise stumpy, the entire stool is adversely affected, and the structure isn't stable -- similarly, if you have amazing conversations, and you're intellectual equals, but can't seem to get things lifted off in the physical department, you're just friends.

Sorry, but that's how it works.

You're. Just. Friends.

Sometimes, you need that the physical element in order to grow the other two -- if you know right away that you spark physically, it makes things more interesting and exciting -- it's the draw that brings you back for more, over and over again. It's the thing you can come back to, even when the going gets tough or the path seems unnavigatable. Getting to know each other physically is FUN -- say nothing of it being just as important, in terms of lasting love, as the intellectual / emotional connection. And each of the three support, enhance, and reinforce each other.

When you don't spark, you're sparkless -- not to be confused with sparkles -- and it shouldn't take more than a couple of dates to figure that out. Try as we might to "make things work," it's a lie you shouldn't want to tell....

...because trust me when I say -- there's SO much better out there. There's somebody out there who will spark for you just as much as you spark for them, and when you connect those two fuses, the outcome is pretty amazing. Rubbing two sticks together, trying to make a spark, only clouds your brain and gets in the way of allowing the RIGHT spark to find it's way to you.

Sugar and spice,

~jess