Over drinks with a girlfriend the other night, the topic of The Unrelationship came up -- she'd recently ended a "something" with a "someone," but was laughingly trying to explain it to me:
"...At first I was apprehensive, even though he's totally hot. Once I got together with him, it was hot and heavy right from the get go... the physical was like nothing I've ever experienced, but I got sort of swept away in it (see: "sex haze" for details). Then I found out that he was on match.com - at the very least, looking at other women, but maybe dating them too. So I put the freeze on sex.
From then on, we kept seeing each other, but nothing physical. I assumed we were sliding into friendship-land, but every time I'd bring it up and ask "do you just want to be friends? Are we just friends?" he'd protest... "No, we're not just friends!"
But we weren't having sex. And then... then we weren't even KISSING anymore."
Finally, my friend ended her UNrelationship - much to the dismay of her UNboyfriend. They said they'd have a friendship, but haven't seen or spoken to each other since.
Let me ask you, dear reader, where is the line between friend and boyfriend? Personally, as the wise Kat once said to me, I like to let a guy's sex drive move a relationship forward -- if it ain't there, neither is the potential. And if a guy is only interested in nailing me -- without kissing me -- I think that sums it up pretty well.
As another friend of mine quips, "I've been FWAK'ed -- fucked without a kiss."
But if this is the case, why is the guy so hesitant to say "we're just friends"? Is it because being pushed into "The Friendzone," removes all possibilities for future sex? Is it because he's not yet sure how he feels about this woman? Is he trying to let HER steer the course? Is he just so wrapped up in NOT having his manhood insulted by putting in The Friendzone that he's in denial?
I just don't get it.
Usually I can put on the man pants and see things from a different perspective -- but in this case, I"m truly baffled. If there's no love, then why not just be pals?
And once you've been put in that Dreaded Friendzone, is there ever a way out? Do two people go from lovers to friends and back to lovers? Or is the Friendzone the death knell of sex / intimacy?
Thoughts?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And while we're on this topic of platonic relations between men and women, I"ll ask the age old favorite:
Is it possible for men and women to truly be "just friends," or does sex always get in the way?
And what about the jealous boyfriend / girlfriend who can't handle it when his/her signifant other goes out with a "just friend" of the opposite sex?
Protective, or posessive?
Concerned, or control freak?
Justified, or jackass?
I have my own thoughts on this, but I'm interested in yours.
Sugar and spice,
~jess
"...At first I was apprehensive, even though he's totally hot. Once I got together with him, it was hot and heavy right from the get go... the physical was like nothing I've ever experienced, but I got sort of swept away in it (see: "sex haze" for details). Then I found out that he was on match.com - at the very least, looking at other women, but maybe dating them too. So I put the freeze on sex.
From then on, we kept seeing each other, but nothing physical. I assumed we were sliding into friendship-land, but every time I'd bring it up and ask "do you just want to be friends? Are we just friends?" he'd protest... "No, we're not just friends!"
But we weren't having sex. And then... then we weren't even KISSING anymore."
Finally, my friend ended her UNrelationship - much to the dismay of her UNboyfriend. They said they'd have a friendship, but haven't seen or spoken to each other since.
Let me ask you, dear reader, where is the line between friend and boyfriend? Personally, as the wise Kat once said to me, I like to let a guy's sex drive move a relationship forward -- if it ain't there, neither is the potential. And if a guy is only interested in nailing me -- without kissing me -- I think that sums it up pretty well.
As another friend of mine quips, "I've been FWAK'ed -- fucked without a kiss."
But if this is the case, why is the guy so hesitant to say "we're just friends"? Is it because being pushed into "The Friendzone," removes all possibilities for future sex? Is it because he's not yet sure how he feels about this woman? Is he trying to let HER steer the course? Is he just so wrapped up in NOT having his manhood insulted by putting in The Friendzone that he's in denial?
I just don't get it.
Usually I can put on the man pants and see things from a different perspective -- but in this case, I"m truly baffled. If there's no love, then why not just be pals?
And once you've been put in that Dreaded Friendzone, is there ever a way out? Do two people go from lovers to friends and back to lovers? Or is the Friendzone the death knell of sex / intimacy?
Thoughts?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And while we're on this topic of platonic relations between men and women, I"ll ask the age old favorite:
Is it possible for men and women to truly be "just friends," or does sex always get in the way?
And what about the jealous boyfriend / girlfriend who can't handle it when his/her signifant other goes out with a "just friend" of the opposite sex?
Protective, or posessive?
Concerned, or control freak?
Justified, or jackass?
I have my own thoughts on this, but I'm interested in yours.
Sugar and spice,
~jess
3 comments:
As I've gotten older, I think that men and women CAN be just friends, but far more often than not, you have to deal with the sex component. I have a two very good male friends (who happen to be best friends with each other). One of them is constantly trying to sleep with him, but he's extremly up front about it. I have no intention of EVER sleeping with him (for a variety of very good reasons), but I'm flattered that he wants to, and it never causes a problem in our friendship. On the other hand, my other friend kissed me once when he shouldn't have, and now it's always in the way. Sigh...
It's been my experience that men, in general, don't spend a lot around women they don't want to nail, "just friends" or not. Sex usually gets in the way. Not always, but a lot more than it doesn't. Maybe we're just built that way.
I think men & women can be platonic friends. When I was younger, I would've said "only if there is no attraction on either side," but now I would say even if there is attraction, a man and woman can remain friends as long as clear boundaries are set.
As far as men not wanting to be in "the friendzone," I find it as perplexing as you, but wanted to share an experience I had in that regard.
Nine years ago, I met a man at a bar and dated him for a while. Eventually the sex dried up--not a big surprise, as he'd once opined that "mature people" only had sex once a quarter--and so did the physical affection because it might "lead to something."
Yet he still wanted to hang out. . .a lot. Like every Saturday night, on holidays, talking on the phone until bedtime, etc.
When a friend pointed out to me that he was getting all the benefits of the relationship while leaving me sexually frustrated (and totally confused), I finally ended it.
To this day, I have no idea why he still wanted to spend so much with me and still have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without the physical intimacy. A couple of friends have suggested that he was gay, but I saw no such tendencies. Maybe he was just repressed. Who knows?
My ex from a few years ago (the one who made me start my blog) reminds me alot of S's situation. We got along great (as long as the discussion wasn't about our lack of sex), had fun together, and were best friends and in a 3 year relationship - but the sex was never really there. I've never figured it out, and don't care to anymore.
I do think men and women can be friends, even with an attraction there, as long as boundaries are set and everyone knows what is going on. I think we tend to gravitate towards people we are attracted to (physically or emotionally), so of course there's going to be some sort of attraction to the people you are closest with.
I've never been the type to say 'you can't hang out with your female friend', but I find myself being that way with my current boyfriend. Not because I'm at all worried he would ever cheat on me, but because I finally feel like my man is a catch and I worry some other woman may notice! Plus, I'm noticing more and more that women really want what other women have, and that code of sisterhood is going out the door (even though I was an offender in my past!)
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