So I'm A Bitch, Dump Me Then.

Question for the ladies in the Hizzouse:

How many of you have acted like a complete bitch in hopes that your boyfriend will break up with you thus sparing you the ugly task of being the end-er of the relationship?

I've done it. I just heard about a girl doing it to one of my guy friends (note: she seemingly failed and thus went with the "No Sex For You" route which will likely prove effective in this case). I'm wondering if this is a widespread phenomenon worth exploring or if its just limited to the cowardly.

If its a phenomenon, I'll noodle on it and throw out thoughts/ideas/schemes to debunk the bitch.

-kat

Love Lockdown

This touches a bit on Kat's previous discussion of How To Tell If You're Her Holischmuck, but I feel it bears mentioning.

I have a male friend who went on a second date with a woman he likes -- but already, by the end of date #2, he's got an invitation to meet the friends and be her date at a holiday party.

Two. Dates.

Now, keep in mind, this friend of mine has an entire harem of women he's dating right now -- he basically has his pick of with whom he wants to fish, and whom he wants to cut bait (Okay, I butchered that expression, but I tried, give me some credit. I did so without ending my sentence with a preposition).

There are a few theories here --

1) You two have an honest connection, and you're both comfortable with moving forward. If that's the case, by all mean -- invite away!

2) You're trying to "lockdown" yer man. Bring him as deeply into your world as possible so that he won't want to -- or can't -- get away easily.

3) You like him so much that you want to show him off and impress your friends, family, co-workers, whatever. Understandable (until he dumps you for being A Loony and then you have to explain how you ruined things with The Awesome Guy).

4) It's your first holiday season single, post-breakup, and you're terrified and sad about attending holiday functions sans significant other. (Been there, done that, have the t-shirt -- and my best advice? Get it over with. Like ripping off a band-aid, it's never as bad as you think it will be. In fact, my first holiday season I had post-serious-breakup, I was terrified at the notion of being single, even within my own family. Turns out, it was even better than it had been with my ex, because he just made things SO complicated.)

Here's the bottom line -- women have a tendency to bring a Uhaul to the first date -- we're nesters, by instinct and biology, and for the most part have spent our lives waiting for our partners "light to come on.*" It's said that women get married when they meet the right person, and men get married when the timing is right -- and not a moment before or after, regardless of the person or situation.

Guys, if you're READY for this, then go for it! Go to the holiday parties, meet the girlfriends**... and move forward with the relationship. But a word of advice? If you're NOT ready? Just SAY so... for fuck's sake, we are not as fragile as you all think we are. It's okay to say "Hey, I'm really enjoying getting to know you, and I want to get to know you better, but I don't think I'm quite ready for the "meet the friends" stuff just yet."

There's no need to fake it, make excuses, stop returning phone calls, or fall off planet earth. Just be honest.

(Personally, I don't wanna be doin' that with anybody until we've established exclusivity -- can you imagine how awkward it would be the following Friday, after they've all gaga'd about your guy, when ya'll run into him out on the town... with another woman on his arm? Yikes.)

Women.. make sure your attemps are coming from the right place. I think a lot of women instinctively try to force their way into relationships because they think they HAVE to, or they SHOULD -- it's less about feeling a genuine readiness or genuine interest in BUILDING something real, rather it's about forcing it. Locking it down. There's nothing natural about that, and don't we all really want these things to grow organically? Blossoming because you're both happy and at ease, confident, comfortable, and natural? Not because somebody has forced an ill-fitting object through a poorly-matched space, confining and conforming it into an unnatural setting.

Didn't Kanye say it best?

I’m not lovin' you
Way I wanted to
What I had to do
Had to run from you
I’m in love with you
But the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

I'm not lovin' you
Way I wanted to
See I want to move
But can’t escape from you
So I keep it low
Keep a secret code
So everybody else don’t have to know

Sugar and Spice,
~Jess

*yeah, there are going to be lots of Sex and the City references here. Deal with it. I'm a single career gal in my 30s. You do the math.
**hey, if nothing else, you've just met a whole other pack of single women to pluck from if things don't work out with Lockdown Girl.

Let's Talk Turkey.

I don't know about the rest of you, but it's just not a holiday without a hefty dose of crazy family drama! Of course, here in the chickadee lounge, we're a bit more interested in hearing drama about your non-familial women -- c'mon, c'mon, c'mon... I know SOME of you must have some awesome stories. Girlfriend meltdowns? Mother-in-law drama? Fiance freakouts? Not-yet-official-girlfriends who are PO'd that you didn't spend the holidays with them? Alcohol-induced chickbrain overload?

Spill, dudes. Email us at chicksonchicks@gmail.com and show us whatcha got...

Sugar and spice,
~Jess

Anonymous' Question

Anon! Anon! You asked us a question in the comments section and it got totally lost! I'm sorry!

So here's her question:

I had a first date with a guy I met on the Internet on Wednesday. Prior to the date we had spoken on the phone several times and exchanged a few texts. The date went well and at the end of the date as he was dropping me off, he kissed me quite passionately and asked if he could come up. I said no not this time and that I wanted to wait until I got to know him better. He expressed how attractive he found me and that he couldn't wait to see me again. He drove off and I went up to bed. Got a call from him later saying how much he liked me and that he thinks that I am beautiful. The next day (Thursday) I had a short business trip to Las Vegas, just for the day. He knew about this trip. Once on the plane as I reach down to turn my phone off, I realize I don't have my phone. I have left it in the car. Oh well. I am with my boss on the plane and I am still connected to the office through him. I go about my day and fly back. Get in my car and notice 2 texts from him. The first one saying at 8am "Hope you slept well" and the second asking how my flight was at 11am. I respond a telling him about forgetting my phone and explaining my crazy day then asking him how his day was. This text was sent at about 7:30pm. Since that, no word from him. Ok…what's the deal? Should I be thanking my lucky stars that I avoided getting more involved with someone who is clearly a bit crazy OR was he really not that into me? Confused in California

CIC, Can I call you Cack? Just cuz I want to? Cool. Thanks.

I have a story to tell - in its own very special manner - it may also be an answer:

I had a guy friend about 4 years ago that was an AVID match.com'er, we'll call him Himbo. Actually, I think I was on match, saw Himbo and we reconnected on a PURELY platonic level. Here's why: About a week into our daily IM chat sessions (aka novels) he began to admit to a high level of sek-sual activity. Dig, dig, dig, pry, pry, pry. Himbo FINALLY admits that he's slept with nearly every Match.com date he's had in the past years and that although he lost count in the 100s, it's a lot.

WHAT?! Okay, so Himbo is now ManWhoor and I'm CONVINCED that he's trying to impress me with his sexual prowess and virility. Until I get secondary confirmation a la mutal friends that yes, ManWhoor is the dirtiest dick in the greater Minneapolis St Paul area.

Fine. But what about all these loosey goosey ladies that he found himself in compromising positions with? How did he find so many that would be with him, in the biblical sense? Was he really that good at the game? Were they really that horny? (Now that I'm 31 I admit the latter may have been the answer.)

All that above, take what you will from it, but apparently Match.com can be synonymous with AFF.com (don't go there from your work computer) and it sounds to me, Cack, like you got a guy that thought he was on par with ManWhoor.

But that's just me and my charming cynical nature assuming that no guy would ever be that attentive right away without an alterior motive.

Carry on, anon but beware the ManWhoor,
-kat

**FOOTNOTE!! ANON! You said you met him on the "internet" in your question. With today's advanced marketing and technology savvy - there are a few places on the World Wide Web to meet men. As mentioned above, AFF.com is one of those. Can you please (and thank you) provide clarity into the site upon which you found ManWhoor?

No Fairy Tales Here, My Friends

First a few housekeeping Items (Please note: I want to sing out "Housekeeping" in a high pitched sing-songy voice):

*Sorry for the time away from the laptop - I was workasaurus rex last week at a conference and during the 3 free minutes a day I had - I returned calls and emails from my customers. Call me crazy.

*We got an email, a good one I would say and I'll address it below. But not before addressing one of his points - The blog seems to have moved a bit away from its intended purpose and we will try to right the ship by giving guys advice about the inner workings of girls not trying to fix the inner mixed-up workings of you guys. Plus I find crazy chicks way funnier than asshole guys.

So, the letter today was from a guy we'll call Tigger. I won't cut and paste the entirety of the email but it goes a little something like this (again, I want to sing, what the fuck?):

Boy meets two girls. Boy is currently on the metaphorical teeter-totter with two girls. Girls are on polar opposite sides of the spectrum from personality to accessibility - thus boy brain devises scheme in which he gets ass and sass from Girl 1 (whom he aptly names Mulan) and gets intelligence and potential companionship from Girl 2 (whom he, again, aptly names Belle).

Let me give you a quick snippet of a few things I know about these girls and see if cutting out the bullshit makes it more apparent:

Mulan On their very first meeting, Mulan shares religious beliefs, a propensity for swinging, having sex on first dates, past history of her STDs and her love of World of Warcraft. And yet this vixen, doesn't kiss or canoodle on the first date and informs him on date two in a babyvoice that there's no playtime until 5 weeks into the relationship. (God, I'm ITCHING to scream the issues here right now but I need to build up some suspense as best I can)

Belle She cancelled date number one in order to spend the evening with the animal she'd adopted that very day. She then rescheduled the date for later in the same week. She set a time allotment for the date and exceeded it by 3 times and ended it with a kiss on the lips and a thank you text afterwards. She was upfront about her busy schedule and her recent move from out of state. She's been non-commital, yet flirtly, about date #2.

Oh my god, this is too easy.

Tigger, get your fucking head out of your ass on the Mulan front. She's a god-damned nutcase. First of all, she told you she's into swinging and has had STDs and then she won't fuck you for 5 weeks? You can be a lot of things, Tigger, in the name of getting laid but you can't be the science project to see if this chick can shake the Slut Gene. Because you know what? She can't. She flip-flops from being promiscuous with others to being chaste with you. If she was truly trying to clean up her dirty coot she would NEVER EVER tell you about those times. EVER. She sounds like she'd be fun in bed, sure, but depends how much you enjoy open sores and burning urination. Stop the Tigger Train, avoid Mulan Station and save yourself before this gets any further. Jesus.

Now, assuming we're all in agreement that Mulan is firmly in the past, I have a few thoughts on Belle.

I can't remember if I'd written this here on the site or not but I've said it to my guy friends a million times. I think that there are a lot of girls on Match that use it, not to find a boyfriend, but use it to find a date. This can be tough for those guys out there that are honestly hoping for love but in reality, its an online shopping tool and an ego boost wrapped in one. I think that maybe Belle is one of these girls (not a slam by the by, I've been this girl too) and here is why:

*She's newly moved to town from out of state. Why? Who was there? Why didn't he come? I think women often times undertake massive life changes after massive heartbreak. I'm not even the giving sort and I filled out a Peace Corps application once. Big moves, big changes can often relate to big breakups. NOT ALWAYS, I know, but sometimes...

*She's a workaholic. So are Jess and I, but we still make time for the man we want to see when we want to see him. My thoughts are she's got up her defenses and fences for that matter and usually that's due to protection of thine fragile heart.

*She just adopted a pet. Many times feline or canine love is just want the doctor ordered.

I'm merely reading beneath the surface here but my thoughts are that Belle is rebuilding her world. So tread carefully, give her space, keep you fingers crossed that you'll see her again but don't stop dating girls (other than Mulan) until you get a clearer picture from her.

So Tigger, I hope that helps. If not, tell 'Roo and Piglet to come over and we'll have some beers.

Bounce on,
-kat

Rescue Me

I guess the one request / requirement / piece of advice I forgot to mention throughout my many diatribes lately is one that I didn't even thought bore repeating: don't be rude.

This past weekend, I was absolutely blown away by the rudeness of a man I went on a date with -- and I'm still so stunned speechless by it that I don't even know how to detail it out, other than to say, he won't be getting so much as a returned text message from me ever again, and it's pretty easy to lose complete interest in somebody when they act like such a jackass. His number / email address were deleted from my crackberry before the door hit me in the ass on the way out.

Let me repeat in case you missed it the first time: Don't be rude.

And I don't buy any argument that you didn't know it was rude. Unless you are feral or were raised by wolves, you know the difference between good and bad manners, common courtesy and jackhole behavior. Because you've at least FAKED IT well enough to get to the point of an in-person meeting (and actually, this was a SECOND date).

We do have feelings, you know.

And no matter how confident, charming, ballsy, funny, and strong we may appear, underneath it all, we're just girls. Girls who like a boy and are hoping he likes us back. When you cut me, I still bleed. It still smarts when the cute boy doesn't like me, and even though the next day I might crack up about it with my girlfriends, and write funny/scathing emails to my co-workers, in that moment -- sitting at the bar, with my tail tucked between my legs, it hurts. In 24 hours, it won't be a big deal, but in the moment? Ouch.

Don't be rude.

Luckily, my evening had a happy ending, the kind that can only come from being rescued by a friend, somewhat of a knight in shining armour... one that has clearly been reading up and taking notes. The stench of Bad Date was quickly washed away.

Sugar and spice,

~Jess

Question of the Day

Question of the day --

How do guys just FORGET to call?

I think that this is a myth. I think "I forgot" or "I got busy" is guycode for "I just really don't like you that much."

Yet... lately I've been hearing this gripe from the world of online dating.

"We guys have to make all the moves. Why is it so one sided? Why don't the women ever initiate?"

Uhhhh... wellllllllllllllllllll.

I don't know about you ladies, but personally, I like to be chased a bit. I touched on this in our original response to Tony, Toni, Tone, and I'll say it again -- when did all the men become women? I spend most of my life making decisions, having choices, being forceful and strong, courageous and bold... managing my house, my dog, my career, my finances, my car, and STILL managing to look cute and have dinner on the table (even if it's just for me).

When it comes to my love life -- or at least the first few dates of it -- I want YOU to come after ME.

Repeat:
I WANT YOU TO COME AFTER ME.

If you don't, I'll assume you're not interested. It's just that simple. And frankly, I've dated enough to know that when you DON'T have that chase? Ahem, boys?

You get bored really damn fast.

It's like we've gotta keep you on your toes or you get distracted by a bright shiny new object.

(aka, T & A).

Don't disappear to The Island of Lost Men, only to half-assedly reappear -- case in point, I got an email today from a guy I'd totally written off. We went out a week and a half ago, had what I thought was a great time and a promising connection, exchanged several texts over the next few days, and then...........

~crickets~

He totally went dark. Complete radio silence. Until tonight -- when I get an email:

"How's it going? Thought you'd enjoy a couple of pictures from the show I went to. Hope you're doing well."

Uhhhhhh.

I don't even know what to do with that. Men? Women? I'm curious as to your thoughts. What do I DO with that? Is that an invitation to restart the courting process? Just a conversation? Did he really think I wanted 2 lame pictures of the stage of a show I wasn't it, put on by a band I've never heard of and don't give a shit about? And if it IS supposed to be a gateway back into a second date, then how about, "Hey, wanna go out this weekend?"

Does. Not. Compute.



I really wish somebody could explain this phenomenon to me of wishy washyness. And how much should we women indulge this? I mean, is it really as simple as "man as hunter goes after what he wants, if he doesn't go after it, he doesn't want it"? Or are there mitigating circumstances?


Disinterested, or douchebag?

Discuss.

Sugar and spice (with vodka this time, please)
~Jess