How do guys just FORGET to call?
I think that this is a myth. I think "I forgot" or "I got busy" is guycode for "I just really don't like you that much."
Yet... lately I've been hearing this gripe from the world of online dating.
"We guys have to make all the moves. Why is it so one sided? Why don't the women ever initiate?"
Uhhhh... wellllllllllllllllllll.
I don't know about you ladies, but personally, I like to be chased a bit. I touched on this in our original response to Tony, Toni, Tone, and I'll say it again -- when did all the men become women? I spend most of my life making decisions, having choices, being forceful and strong, courageous and bold... managing my house, my dog, my career, my finances, my car, and STILL managing to look cute and have dinner on the table (even if it's just for me).
When it comes to my love life -- or at least the first few dates of it -- I want YOU to come after ME.
Repeat:
I WANT YOU TO COME AFTER ME.
If you don't, I'll assume you're not interested. It's just that simple. And frankly, I've dated enough to know that when you DON'T have that chase? Ahem, boys?
You get bored really damn fast.
It's like we've gotta keep you on your toes or you get distracted by a bright shiny new object.
(aka, T & A).
Don't disappear to The Island of Lost Men, only to half-assedly reappear -- case in point, I got an email today from a guy I'd totally written off. We went out a week and a half ago, had what I thought was a great time and a promising connection, exchanged several texts over the next few days, and then...........
~crickets~
He totally went dark. Complete radio silence. Until tonight -- when I get an email:
"How's it going? Thought you'd enjoy a couple of pictures from the show I went to. Hope you're doing well."
Uhhhhhh.
I don't even know what to do with that. Men? Women? I'm curious as to your thoughts. What do I DO with that? Is that an invitation to restart the courting process? Just a conversation? Did he really think I wanted 2 lame pictures of the stage of a show I wasn't it, put on by a band I've never heard of and don't give a shit about? And if it IS supposed to be a gateway back into a second date, then how about, "Hey, wanna go out this weekend?"
Does. Not. Compute.
I really wish somebody could explain this phenomenon to me of wishy washyness. And how much should we women indulge this? I mean, is it really as simple as "man as hunter goes after what he wants, if he doesn't go after it, he doesn't want it"? Or are there mitigating circumstances?
Disinterested, or douchebag?
Discuss.
Sugar and spice (with vodka this time, please)
~Jess
9 comments:
See, now, I still have trouble with this. (Hi Jess!) Men have to do all those things too in their daily lives - so why should they need to chase us? It's one thing if you just have a preference for traditional gender norms, but I think that's just a kind of normative preference. I don't think there are really good rational reasons for it that don't take you down a logical slope where women have to do gender-traditional behavior that we might not want to have to do. I think everyone likes to be chased and to feel desired - and getting that role all the time was one of the benefits women got from traditional gender roles. But if we want more equality (like being taken seriously as single women, not being pushed into marriage/childrearing, etc.) we have to give some of that up. It does get a little complicated in the beginning because you don't know if you're dealing with a guy who is traditional or isn't, so you don't know if not hearing from him means he doesn't like you or he's waiting for you to do your part, but hopefully eventually we all become equal and everyone knows the score!
oh and also, this does not apply to your current situation. that guy is not being helpful. i have a really hard time with this too, when a guy reaches out but isn't clear about his intentions. there are SO many reasons it could be happening, but it's not even worth stressing about it. if you're into him, just respond and give him one more chance to suggest a date (although, remember, he could be a crazy radical like me and think it's your turn to ask :)). but i totally hear you on the "out of nowhere a totally random communication" annoyingness. ugh!
I know that you're totally right with all the gender equity stuff.
I still want to be chased.
And it always boggles my mind that the guy doesn't WANT to do the chase -- I mean, unless he just doens't want to chase ME, and then that's fine.
And I basically asked him out the first time, so....
Anyway. We'll see what happens.
Mostly I just wanted an excuse to put that GIF of the computer head-banging on there. ;-)
~J
Currently dealing with a similar situation ...I am doing all the chasing. He seems to be open to it, because he calls when he says he's going to call. The problem is, the call hardly ever ends with a, "so I'm thinking we should go out Wednesday night." I always make the plans. Urgh. I feel like I'm too amenable ...too accessible. Perhaps if I were a game-player, I'd have better luck. Or, mentally disturbed. Guys tend to like a girl who's a little touched in the head.
I'm tired, where are you, my hair hurts.
I love this post. I have no idea what we're supposed to be doing anymore. I agree, be a guy - at least in the beginning. If I'm shaving and waxing and such, pick up the phone and ask me out for a real date, like more than 2 hours in advance. I know we're all equal, but let's be real, we're never equal at the same time, so let's do the delicate dance, shall we?
Anonymous, the Charlotte quote cracked me up. Well played. :-)
I was just about to post this question to you guys but noticed that it is kind of related. sort of. Anyway here goes...
Question for the ladies
I had a first date with a guy I met on the Internet on Wednesday. Prior to the date we had spoken on the phone several times and exchanged a few texts. The date went well and at the end of the date as he was dropping me off, he kissed me quite passionately and asked if he could come up. I said no not this time and that I wanted to wait until I got to know him better. He expressed how attractive he found me and that he couldn't wait to see me again. He drove off and I went up to bed. Got a call from him later saying how much he liked me and that he thinks that I am beautiful. The next day (Thursday) I had a short business trip to Las Vegas, just for the day. He knew about this trip. Once on the plane as I reach down to turn my phone off, I realize I don't have my phone. I have left it in the car. Oh well. I am with my boss on the plane and I am still connected to the office through him. I go about my day and fly back. Get in my car and notice 2 texts from him. The first one saying at 8am "Hope you slept well" and the second asking how my flight was at 11am. I respond a telling him about forgetting my phone and explaining my crazy day then asking him how his day was. This text was sent at about 7:30pm. Since that, no word from him. Ok…what's the deal? Should I be thanking my lucky stars that I avoided getting more involved with someone who is clearly a bit crazy OR was he really not that into me?
Confused in California
I have also decided that I understand absolutely nothing about men. I don't know what they want. They seem to prefer it when I'm mean to them and disinterested...the whole thing just makes me tired. I feel lately like I've been living that Charlotte quote -- I want to stand up in a room full of men and shout at the top of my lungs "I AM CUTE. I CAN COOK. I HAVE A GOOD JOB. I AM SMART. I AM FUNNY. I UNDERSTAND FOOTBALL AND I LIKE SEX. I WILL DO YOUR LAUNDRY AND HAVE YOUR BABIES!!! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU????"
Hi Jess!
I totally understand your want to be chased, but frankly, men these days are different than our parents generation. They don't know how to chase. They want the easy way. They want the no bullshit way.
I honestly believe that when you find a good man, the first few dates should be the EASIEST most thrilling time in your dating life together - no second guessing intentions. If you truly like one another, you'll find reasons to call and reasons to get together. You want to see and spend time with the other person. It's that simple.
When you find yourself second guessing someone's intentions - isn't that frustrating? I don't think a good guy is worth that frustration. (Save the frustration for later down the road when you've been together months or years, right?)
More than not, today's man is not used to playing cat/mouse and having to prove his intentions to someone. Maybe that has to do with us women putting out more - who knows?
To the girl who posted a comment about her internet date then Vegas trip: PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL HIM YOURSELF. I cannot stand this texting business. Texting has gotten SO overused lately. If you had a GREAT time on your date and want to see him again, don't ask yourself a million and one questions about why he didn't text you back within 5 minutes. Maybe HIS phone is the one now missing. CALL the guy for Pete's sake.
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