How Is She NOT Crazy?

As I sit here in yet another airport, during yet another week on the road, I find that I'm experiencing an irritation that may very well make me crazy. Its one of those irritating, grating things that starts in the middle of your stomach with a clenching and an unscratchable itch. Its progresses to the point where you have to flex and unflex various parts of your body in hopes of releasing the tension that is building in your entire being. Deep breaths, lean your head back, close your eyes, clench, unclench, clench, unclench. My breathing is getting shallower, I'm starting to hit what feels like a breaking point...I might whack my own head against the trash can next to me or I may just scream at the guy to my left.

Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, sluuuurp, smack, chomp. His gum chewing is so loud and so wet and so pervasive (flex and unflex fingers, didn't help) that I can't escape it. I moved to the only other free seat, about 5 seats away. Still hear it. Chomp, chomp, chomp, spit sloshing, chomp. ARG.

"The housing crisis really seems to be causing problems." (Genius at work)

"Really, $15 for checking my bag. I fly your airline all the time, this is ridiculous!" (Ahem, close your mouth, you don't fly it all the time, if you did you'd be elite and you wouldn't have to pay, shut up)

"Sweetie, don't worry about forgetting your jacket, we'll just buy another when we land." (Really but you can't afford $15 to check your bag?)

"Chomp, slurp, smack, swallow, chomp, chomp, chomp!"

This woman next to him seems completely oblivious to the fact that she's sitting next to the world's loudest gum-chewing IDIOT ass.

How is she NOT crazy? Is she numb? Is she deaf?

Can I say something like "Shut the fuck up"?

I wish you could see him. Let me paint the picture if I can.

He's sitting stretching all 5'6" of himself as long as he can, hands clasped behind his balding noggin, old school glasses a la Chevy Chase in Vacation, bushy beard and mustache (that I'm hoping his gum gets stuck in), navy suit with a tie on, tie falling sadly to the side of his enormous belly, feet stretched long out in front (blocking the way for anyone who might want to pass), dress pants far too short, bad loafers, argyle socks.

He makes me want to kill myself to get out of my misery. And yet the woman sitting next to him stays there. Is likely his mate...

I guess there is someone for everyone in this world.

CHOMP, CHOMP ARGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Clench clench clench...