Married To It.

Dear Chicks,

I was sitting at the bar with my buddy, who happens to be happily married. I think his lady might be a bit looney. Please let me know if I am on target or off-base.

Okay so here is an example:

"Buddy" wants to go out to "Drink" in Mpls with some buddies for a night on the town. His old lady does not want him to go because all of the young girls will be hanging all over him asking for free drinks and more. Now let me clue you in....my buddy while a good guy is 35 yrs old about 5'10", 250# and nothing about him says Sugar Daddy. And to top it off, he loves his wife and would not cheat. I am thinking that perhaps she was one of these young girls one time and used the "older" guys for drinks and more.

Has Buddy married a crazy?


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Dear "Buddy,"

I'm not sure if I can answer this question because frankly? I'm so dumbfounded by why anybody would willingly go to DRINK that I can't quite focus.

Oh, wait -- you're men. And there's young, scantily clad flesh there to look at.

Got it. Right-o, then.

Here's the bottom line -- Buddy isn't in a healthy marriage. And it's really a chicken or egg question as to whether or not she's a nutter, or he's a douchebag, or both. It could go either way, and I'd need more intricate knowledge of the relationship in order to answer appropriately -- but the bottom line? Something's gotta give, and something's gotta change.

Scenario #1: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years. He's cheated on her in the past, or at the very least, has an eye that wanders just short of the point of cheating. That's bound to make any woman feel insecure, and usually is indicative of a larger, more serious issue.

Scenario #2: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years, but life and children and jobs and other stressors have made their relationship less smokin' and more chokin'. She's in sweatpants (aka "I give up" pants), all day, nagging at him, and he's constantly rolling his eyes and fleeing to the basement to play XBOX and drink beer while she's forced to take care of the responsibilities. They are living like roommates and not lovers and have stopped having sex. He can't figure out how to put his @#$% socks in the hamper or dishes in the dishwasher, and she's usually drunk by 8 PM, asleep on her side of the bed, in a long-sleeved t-shirt and flannel pants.

Scenario #3: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years. She's perhaps a bit younger than he is, and she used to be quite the hot ticket -- she was out on the town all the time whne they were younger, which is how she snagged Buddy in the first place. Buddy absolutely adores her, and has never given her any reason to doubt him. She is high maintenance, dramatic, goes out with her girlfriends frequently, is controlling in the bedroom in terms of when, where, and what, and basically, has him on a short leash. He tries to flee to have some fun, and she flips (nevermind that Buddy had to go to Uptown to pick up her and her trashed friends at Drink last weekend).

Scenario #4: Buddy and Wifey have been married for several years. They have a happy relationship. They are still having plenty of sex and fun together -- she has no reason not to trust him. Wifey is a nutter, insecure, harpy, and doesn't trust Buddy at all. In a few months, she'll hack into his email account, facebook, myspace and every other possible internet account he has. When he's asleep, she'll go through the call log and text messages on his cell, just to see if anything is suspicious. Finally, she'll find something remotely "off," confront him, and he'll flip out at her stalkerish behavior. She'll insist that if he doesn't have anything to hide, he shouldn't care that she went through his stuff. He'll start hiding more, because he's afraid that at the first sign of A WOMAN SHE'S NEVER MET having any contact with him whatsoever, she'll spontaneously combust.

And so it goes.

Sigh.

People, do you really want to be in an insecure relationship?? In case it's taken you more than a nanosecond to answer that question, let me step in: NO, you don't. I can tell you that from experience, because I've been there. And in the chicken-and-egg scenario, let me make it perfectly clear that confident, stable, sane women don't intensely suspect their man unless they are given a reason to -- and if you've REALLY done nothing suspect, you're probably with a nutter. Or, at least, you're with somebody you don't wanna be with.

My ex-boyfriend used to LOVE IT when guys would hit on me out on the town. Why? Because he knew, with 100% certainty, that I would never cheat on him; that I was fully faithful (it is important to note here that this is an EX boyfriend, so my fidelity was less about how awesome he was (ahem, assjacket), and more about the fact that I'm just not the cheating type -- regardless, he knew he could trust me).

I didn't love it quite as much when women hit on him, namely because I felt like he was always LOOKING to be hit on; seeking out attention from women, like I wasn't enough -- not pretty enough, not interesting enough, and not worthy enough of his adoration -- because he indirectly told me so, all the time, with his actions (inactions?).

I'd never felt that level of insecurity with a man (or any aspect of my life, for that matter) before, and I've never felt it since -- case in point, it wasn't a healthy relationship.

But I do know what a healthy relationship looks like -- I know that it's about being able to be your own people while coming together to enhance each others lives. I know it's about sometimes going your separate ways on a Friday night, knowing that you're coming home to each other. I know that it's about being with somebody who helps you to be the very best version of yourself, and you help them do the same.

The next guy I dated? I LOVED it when other girls flirted with him -- loved it when my friends and everybody else commented on how awesome he was. Love love loved it. I knew he was awesome, and I wanted everybody else to realize it too. He never once gave me a reason to doubt him, and I never did. In my heart of hearts, I knew my ex wasn't groovin' on me the way I needed to be grooved. I knew he had one foot out the door... and women... we usually KNOW.

So tell Buddy to sit down Wifey. Tell her how much he loves her. Tell her that just like she needs nights with the girls, he needs nights with the guys. That when he's out with the guys, there's nothing dirty going on... that he can't wait to come home and be with her.

It will go far... maybe not far enough to result in fishnets and a french maid costume, but certainly far enough to get her off his back so he can belly up to the bar with the boys, nag-free.

Sugar and Spice,
~Jess